Balloon Man Robs Store of Cash and Snickers Bars

19 Nov, 2012

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Rockford, IL — A man using a balloon filled with an unidentified substance got an undisclosed amount of cash today by robbing the city’s very profitable Half Dollar General Store. The robbery occurred at 4:20 p.m. at 1015 Charles St.

A cashier was counting money when a man approached her, displayed a rubber balloon filled with what appeared to be milk or orange juice and demanded the money.  “I though it could of been some kind of poison, or battery acid,” said Pauline Dyers, unaware that acid burns through balloons when we informed her.

Dyers threw the money down on the floor, took off her shirt and shook her large boobs at the robber.  It temporarily stunned him, allowing her the open window to run into the back room. Dyers called the RKFDP (Rockford Dream Police) using one of her 4 pre-paid phones while the man jumped the cashier’s counter and grabbed at least 3 Snickers bars and $5.00 from the open register.  There happened to be about $300 or more in the register prompting Dyers to comment, “For $5.00 he could have taken me to bed instead of scaring the daylights out of me. People must be desperate.”

The man ran from the business laughing and crying at the same time and was last seen running west or east and possibly south.

The robber was last seen wearing prescription glasses, a grey lettermen sweater, a blue baseball cap with grey brim, a blue jean jacket with a grey hooded sweatshirt underneath, blue cargo pants down to his knees, 3 belts, a red and blue glove, with white or brown tennis shoes.  A customer hiding in the magazine aisle said that the thief might be “a large muscular black, grey, red or white man around 20 to 70 years old with a mohawk and a gold chain on that says, “Get Some Nuts.”  I don’t know, I didn’t get a good look but I know I he had a mohawk and a gold chain on.”

If you see him, contact us before you contact the RKFDP because they’re overwhelmed with crime tips.