Big Balloon Go Pop Over Rockford, River Sharks Eat Family of 6

Big Balloon Go Pop Over Rockford, River Sharks Eat Family of 6
Family of 6 Fly to East Side of Rockford in their Hot Air Balloon for a Picnic Before Being Sent Back To The West Side  By Angry East Siders.  Their Hot Air Balloon Popped Over the Rock River. Upon Landing on the Water, River Sharks ate the family of 6.  No survivors.

Family of 6 Fly to East Side of Rockford in their Hot Air Balloon for a Picnic Before Being Sent Back To The West Side By Angry East Siders. Their Hot Air Balloon Popped Over the Rock River. Upon Landing on the Water, River Sharks ate the family of 6. No survivors.

Rockford, IL – A large hot air balloon carrying a family of six took off from the west side of Rockford on Sunday morning and attempted to fly to the east side of Rockford. A crowd of east-siders gathered in awe at the corner of East State and Perryville to protest the family’s attempt to land in the Best Buy parking lot for a lunch-time picnic.  The balloon had to retreat back to the west side of Rockford after fearing the eastsiders would shoot their balloon down with their AK-47s and bows n’ arrows.

Upon attempting their overhead return to the west side of Rockford with their picnic basket and children in tow, the balloon went pop over the Rock River near the Auburn Street bridge.  Traffic stopped for three hours and people gathered on the bridge to witness the balloon’s descent onto the river.  The scent of the food trapped in the picnic basket lured three great brown river sharks from below the murky water towards the drowning family of six.  People watching from both sides of the Rock River and from atop the bridge screamed and cried for the unknown westsiders while the river sharks ate them. As of this morning there are no survivors.

When we learn more you’ll know less.™

– JoAnne Rankles

Two of 3 River Sharks feasted on a family of 6 whose hot air balloon popped over the dangerous Rock River in Rockford, IL

Two of 3 River Sharks feasted on a family of 6 whose hot air balloon popped over the dangerous Rock River in Rockford, IL

 



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“Dear RKFD News,

Crenshaw Toritelliglio

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54 comments

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  1. NobodySpecial 13 October, 2013, 05:02

    Knew it was fake the moment they said AK’s. Patriotic east siders all roll with AR-15’s for when they wanna shoot at something.

    Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD 14 October, 2013, 09:01

      You were sold by the mentioning of guns. Let’s thank the Lord that the title of the article and the photo didn’t alert anyone first. What a funny town!

      Reply this comment
  2. Dan 13 October, 2013, 00:50

    The sad thing there are retards who actually believe this! Read the story it’s got hair on it.

    Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD 14 October, 2013, 08:59

      Retards need something to believe in, Dan. It’s a good thing for us that Rockfordians will believe anything and settle for so little on a daily basis from their leaders.

      Reply this comment
  3. Scholarly 9 October, 2013, 14:44

    River shark grilled on a sesame seed bun is one of my favorites.

    Reply this comment
  4. Anon 8 October, 2013, 13:20

    It’s ok, he was talking about RCKD News. Those guys are liars.

    Reply this comment
  5. Anonymous 8 October, 2013, 12:04

    Seriously want to cry from these stupid people! First of all, do you believe everything on the internet? Then you must also believe Mr. Rogers was once a sniper and Captain Kangaroo was a spy. Have you ever even seen a hot air balloon? The only thing it can control is gaining altitude, the rest depends on gravity and the wind. And have you ever heard of “brown river sharks” in the river in your LIFE?! I feel like I’m going insane that people are believing this story! This story is not what is wrong with Rockford, it’s you (mostly a-hole Bill) this guy probably also believes the contrails are the government drugging us…”Wildbill” I believe I’ve heard your BS spilled on the AM airwaves also. If you hate Rockford so much that you moved then why do you care so much to post your garbage on anything Rockford related! Grow up and shut up!~

    Reply this comment
  6. Pamela 8 October, 2013, 11:41

    I think this is awesome! Rockford’s own verison of The Onion!
    Oh, and this is to the dumba$$ otherwise known as Bill Brown. You are an ignorant bigot who is also flat out stupid if you thought there was one ounce of truth to this story. Not only are there NO sharks in the Rock River, but you cannot steer a hot air balloon. It’s people like YOU that give Rockford a bad name.
    The End.

    Reply this comment
  7. Pookie 8 October, 2013, 11:30

    Rockford’s main problem, as evidenced by some of the people on here, is that it takes itself WAY to seriously! Relax!!! Is your groundwater making you sick and paranoid? Move!!! Is it the stress from the gang warfare in your own backyard? DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!! Be a part of the the solution! and fucking learn to have a laugh. This is a fun site, it is not meant to be taken seriously! DUH.

    Reply this comment
  8. Pookie 8 October, 2013, 11:27

    bill brown spell so good! it’s a joke, tool!

    Reply this comment
  9. Pookie 8 October, 2013, 11:26

    wow. nobody has a sense of humor anymore. Except the folks who run this site. Thanks for being awesome.

    Reply this comment
  10. Bill Brown 8 October, 2013, 07:02

    NOTHING BUT CRACKHEADS AND NASTY (Edited out by RKFDNEWS.com because the word you used is not allowed here, WildBill8218 at IP address 50.158.163.170) IN ROCKFORD

    Reply this comment
    • DisNigguh 8 October, 2013, 07:23

      Says Rockford’s Biggest Whore

      Reply this comment
    • Bill Brown 8 October, 2013, 07:28

      unlike rockford news what i post is true

      Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD 8 October, 2013, 10:24

      We don’t edit out public comments much at all but we had to today on this article page. NOTE: You can misspell, intentionally capitalize, agree or disagree with us (as if we care either way), share your emotional intardenet opinions, get political and childish all day long to poke buttons at others to rile them up on our site in the name of Symbol but to share intentional-or-unintentional racial slurs like the ones that ‘Bill’ shared publicly are not allowed– unless you’re blatantly attacking white, rich, greedy and corrupt good ol’ boy $cumbag Rockfordians (and surrounding areas all over earth) with the truth– to break the noose.™ Please watch your cracker fingers & stale saltined thoughts, Bill.

      Remember: No racial slurs allowed unless you’re making fun of whitey or good ol’ boy Rockford-styled $cumbags. You don’t like it? Go on over to Rockford Scanner, Our City, Our Story or Go Rockford to see how far you get with your opinions.

      Thought so.

      Chief Beale
      Editor

      Reply this comment
  11. Bill Brown 8 October, 2013, 07:00

    HEY RCKD NEWS IF THIS IS A FAKE ARTICAL LOOK ME TO SUE YOU FOR FALSE AND MISLEADING ARTICLES

    Reply this comment
  12. Kayla 8 October, 2013, 00:39

    The people who actually believed this story make me more worried about my future.
    Firstly, the headline was poorly written. “Big Balloon Go Pop,” I might’ve believed that if I was in kindergarten.
    Secondly, the photo beneath the headline displays flags from the Labor Day event once known as On The Waterfront. This event did not take place this year due to financial issues.
    Thirdly, the police would not take kindly to a mob wielding AK-47s (which are expensive!) and bows and arrows.
    Just some obvious facts.
    LOL, morons.

    Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD 8 October, 2013, 10:19

      Kayla,
      Yes. Be worried because we are worried as well for our future but stop to laugh at the Rockford roses that have gathered here!

      Thank you for breaking the noose with us on the intardenet!

      Chief Beale
      Editor

      Reply this comment
  13. Pookie 7 October, 2013, 22:05

    Pookie say rockford all falling into river one balloon after another. Rockford so smart in smarmy religion-slathered drunk and smug way that is rarely duplicated. How you do this rockford? Elizabeth and becki are leaders? must be rockford presidents! must be strippers! You win!!!!!

    Reply this comment
  14. Pookie 7 October, 2013, 22:03

    Becki rocket science. Becki so smart, must have go to rockford university! Elizabeth call troll????? Does that mean she calling self? Clearly troll.

    Reply this comment
  15. Pookie 7 October, 2013, 21:50

    Elizabeth, who is troll? You call self? You mad genius. Becki- you think all lies? Also so smart. You go college? You go Rockford University? So fucking smart all you womens!!!!!!! You defend rockford for great and thriving metrocity that it is!

    Reply this comment
  16. fuckno 7 October, 2013, 21:41

    Becki is rocket scientist! All lIes Becki! SO smart!!! You go college? You go rockford university???? AMAze-balls!!!!!!

    Reply this comment
  17. Gail George 7 October, 2013, 21:22

    I read this and thought oh this poor family, how horrible, I did not know this was a parody of news, till I read comments, I thought it was real, I had never heard of this site. Now I know , LOL

    Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD 8 October, 2013, 10:25

      We broke your noose!
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us on the internet!

      Chief Beale
      Editor

      Reply this comment
  18. Anonymous 7 October, 2013, 21:12

    That’s 5 minutes of my life that was a total waste I will never get back!

    Reply this comment
  19. Anonymous 7 October, 2013, 21:11

    I feel entirely uneducated right now and pretty embarrassed. I can’t tell if this is a joke or not since this is the first time visiting rkfdnews. If I read this on the Onion, then I would totally understand!

    Reply this comment
  20. Anonymous 7 October, 2013, 21:08

    This is phenomenal. Thank you for enriching my day!

    Reply this comment
  21. Anonymous 7 October, 2013, 20:48

    This is why I moved. That city is dying and this is a good example why.

    Reply this comment
  22. Anonymous 7 October, 2013, 19:52

    Thank you for reporting on this tragedy when no other news outlet will. Prayers go out to the families involved. This is horrible. Rockford ought to stop wasting money on dumb things like school lunch programs and hire divers to kill those river sharks.

    Reply this comment
    • dan 10 October, 2013, 16:11

      Lmmfao river sharks Roflmmfao, this is too funny n people r actually eating it up, 🙂

      Reply this comment
  23. Elizabeth 7 October, 2013, 18:21

    RKFD NEWS GOD
    OCTOBER 7, 2013 AT 2:59 PM
    We prefer you take the time to leave comments and ask us questions with your internet emotions. Those kinds of buttons provide people the options to click before reading. We are bringing back truth, justice and literacy to the poor, uneducated Rockford region.

    ———————————
    Wow, you’re not very good at putting facts together are you? I’m sure this was a war of east vs west side of Rockford… Take your crap and feed it to yourself.

    Truth-BS,
    justice-are you a super hero?
    Literacy- oh you help people read?
    Poor- hmm so we are all poor? And if they are how do you help them?
    Uneducate- so you are a doctor too?

    Super classy work, take youself and get off that horse!

    IM CALLING TROLL

    Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD 7 October, 2013, 18:33

      Thank you, Elizabeth, for sharing your emotions with us on the intardenet but we have no idea what east side vs. west side war you’re commenting on besides the war going on between your heart and your brain. We love you and thank you for attacking us with emotions on the internet. The truth is true but your noose cannot be broken– hang in there, you’ll get it!™

      Chief Beale
      Editor

      Reply this comment
    • Dr Larry 7 October, 2013, 23:30

      Wow! Only the intellect of a Dr. could detect this sarcasm. Good investigative work Dr Elizabeth!

      Reply this comment
  24. Anonymous 7 October, 2013, 18:18

    Only Rockford would attempt to report something do lame

    Reply this comment
  25. MaryAnne 7 October, 2013, 14:08

    Where are the “Thumbs Up – Thumbs Down” so we can vote on this???

    Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD 7 October, 2013, 14:59

      We prefer you take the time to leave comments and ask us questions with your internet emotions. Those kinds of buttons provide people the options to click before reading. We are bringing back truth, justice and literacy to the poor, uneducated Rockford region.

      Reply this comment
      • Becki 7 October, 2013, 17:07

        Would have been better if the picture was from Sunday which was windy and rainy. And it was not reported on the evening news at all, plus no picture of balloon in the river. So I say all lies.

        Reply this comment
        • RKFD NEWS GOD 7 October, 2013, 18:35

          Did you actually take the time to remind our staff of the weather? Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us on the intardenet!

          Chief Beale

          Reply this comment

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