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SPECIAL REPORT: Where Were You When Rockford Scanner Lost Its Sh*t?

By Andy Whorehall, Guest Contributor I was taking a mid-afternoon shit – patiently taking care of the morning coffee and corn casserole flow from earlier in the day– when a text message came through from a friend alerting me of local

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Applebees Reports That Teachers Who Do Art Together Get Drunk Together in The Rockford

3 out of 5
Rating: 3

Rockford, IL –  A new study conducted by the Applebees chain headquarters with administrative officials from The Rockford School District have concluded that it’s extremely likely that “87% of The Rockford teachers who do art together after-hours eventually get drunk together and

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Rockford Aldermen Vote To Forgive Student Loans Acquired By Anyone Born in Rockford after 1968

4.5 out of 5
Rating: 4.5

Rockford, IL – Anyone with student loans living as a citizen in the Rockford, IL and Winnebago County region are getting a pass from Rockford’s 13 Aldermen. As of Monday night, June 2nd, 2014, anyone born after 1968 who has

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Local Ad Firm Owner Decides To Become a Pony

Rockford, IL – Local ad firm owner and internet-mobster, Ray Gramcracker, has decided to become a pink pony with his free time. You will sure as f**k learn more when we know less.™ – Chief Tchad Beale

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School Board Dividing New Mega Schools According to Nationality for Rick Springfield’s Efficiency

4.5 out of 5
Rating: 4.5

Rockford, IL – RPS205309 (the Rockford Public School District) representatives have been trying to explain to the community that the recent announcement of 9 schools being closed in the next year will be better for efficiency stuff and things, stats,

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9 Schools and 2 Grocery Stores Closing Replaced by 3 Fast Food Restaurant Dreams

3 out of 5
Rating: 3

Rockford, IL – The community of Rockford in Illinois has rallied behind terrible (but funny) recent news this month that nine public schools and two corporate Schnucks (formerly the locally owned Loglis and Hilander) grocery stores are closing by thinking

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