Cheddar Addiction Proves Delicious

10 Oct, 2012

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Chad Muckgrunt, seen here abusing a cheddar block, will be forcibly removed from his basement on Sunday Night during the areas first “Cheddarvention.”

Rockford, IL – Chad Muckgrunt, 27, a Wisconsin native, always considered himself a connoisseur of fine cheese in all it’s forms. He admired the texture of mozzarella, the complexity of havarti, and the punch of monterey jack; but, one day he realized he had a problem.

“I just decided to give up on life and eat straight from the block,” Chad said as he wiped his chin. “There’s really nothing else holding me back. I have brains, I have the good looks, but now I have a deep unhealthy obsession with cheddar. I chase the cheddar dragon every night, I can’t control myself. I don’t even bother changing my pants anymore. What’s the point? I don’t even need this wheel chair, I just refuse to put my body through the hassle of walking.”

Chad’s family has rallied around him in a huge circle trying to get him to seek help, but to no avail. The cheddar has a grip on him and his addiction must be fed, night after night. This has put a large burden on his obese family and fat ass friends.

“I once caught him trying to sell my bras and underwear to his friend Ralph for a hit of cheddar,” Chad’s sister, Winfred, said. “I am a triple G cup and Ralph has never seen a naked woman before so I am sure he got a couple blocks of cheddar for them. I got the bras back a few weeks later, but I had to sext Ralph in return. I sent him a picture of my mother, he never figured it out. Dumb ass cracker.”

We here at RKFD News take the obesity epidemic very seriously. Rockford is the 4th fattest city in the United States, with an obesity rate of 35.5%. So, to help curb this disturbing trend, we would like to start with a Cheddarvention and get Chad on his way to being socially acceptable, or at least able to tie his own shoes. The Cheddarvention will occur this Sunday night during the Packers / Texans Sunday Night Football game. Chad will be in his basement, shirtless, wearing his cheese head and taking hits from various blocks of cheddar. Our plan is to bring him to the ground and tie him to a post, remove the chunks of cheddar from underneath his armpits, and airlift him to a detox center.

If you would like to take part in forcibly removing a cheddar addicted stranger from his residence, especially a Wisconsin native who’s padding the obesity statistic in Illinois at this point in history, please contact [email protected]