City Council Approves Metal Panties® Vote –  Effective Feb. 1st, 2015 for all area Advertising, Marketing and Public Relations Business Owners

24 Jan, 2015

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Rockford, IL – Rockford’s City Council conducted a rare positive Friday night vote after a rough week of bad press involving the Housing Authority.  All of Winnebago County’s Advertising, Marketing and Public Relations business owners are now required to wear Metal Panties®, effective February 1st, 2015.

All owners, partners, and account executives are being ordered by the City to purchase a few pairs of Metal Panties® from Derby | Reynolds. The Schaumburg, IL based company is also known as the WAL-MART OF ADVERTISING™ to its competitors and internet fans.

Lord Thomas Derby, the CEO and LORD of all at Derby | Reynolds told us, “It’s about time that the poor village of Rockford allowed my company to help them with modern day, executive peasantry apparel.  We love to take the $ out of sales rep $luts and ad firm owning $cumbags to put back into the YOU$A™ – DEBRYREYNOLDS.com!  That’s right.  Rockford best git they metal panties on!”

Internationally revered yet locally feared artist, Andy Whorehall, had this to tell us:

“This is a great law for Rockford area freelancers to know who they’re dealing with when walking into another bullshit coffee drinking meeting at 9am or 5pm to discuss contract work with another bone-headed time-wasting jackoff who somehow inherited the right to employ, handle money and who gets the work.  

To see the metal panties on by those who often demean us, don’t pay on time, bad mouth us to other freelancers that they sure as shit intend to fuck over as well, make cockassed promises to never follow through on despite their signatures on paper, or expect to not pay us at all for the work needed will be a complete joy and immediate red flag to walk in the other direction from the get-go. 

Buy our debut book, Believe, to see a black and white drawing of metal panties. There are stories about metal panties to read, too, that will help educate the Rockford people on modern day executive peasantry apparel.

The amount of hours, days and weeks I would have saved by being able to walk into Octane downtown for a cup of coffee to end up seeing Metal Panties® on people, and to know right away to stay away from them.  It would have been extremely beneficial to my time management skills, work budget and abilities to exercise ‘the power of no, stay the fuck away from me, little pony.’ Ahahahahha.  No, seriously.  Fucking time wasters in this town should wear metal panties, Bro– Brah, Bruh, what? Wutt. Dawg.  Ahahahhaha, fucking douchebags everywhere are like, “What’s up, Brah?”  Garbage.  Speaking of douchebags.

Let’s face some more douchebag related facts:  American advertising and marketing firm owners are as respectable, trustworthy and vapid as a goddamned Big Mac, Quarter Pounder or a Whopper– whatever your fast food poison is.  Hell, eating a value meal from McDonalds is better for a person’s health than ever having to deal with consuming ideas and words that dribble out of the mouths of ad firm and marketing jackoffs. Especially in Rockford– where most of these ad firms are penny pinching from city, state and federal projects.  Little ponies play little people games.  Amateurs.

The down-home positive aspect about this law is for many of us to see the $cumbags, $luts, Motley Crue and Saturday Blues on NPR loving amateur ad professionals in their Metal Panties®.  To witness the discomfort they’ll most likely be in– I can’t wait!  Chafe, baby, chafe!  

I hear the chafing is horrendous after a few hours of sweating in the metal panties.  Lord Derby has promised me that his innovative product causes extreme chafing for those that deserve it the most. These kinds of dirty people deserve to feel something near the area that most of us freelancers have felt in one way or another over the years.   

“Right there, bend over– feel the metal pantie chafing around your loins, you little pony!”  What a wonderful law!  Thank you, City Council members.

Lastly, I do fear that this law may be a few years late for some of us who have out-survived the poor ethics and abuses of our local ad firm and marketing businesses to abandon them altogether. Either way, this is a well needed law to improve local business ethics in every industry altogether.  I’d like to see the law imposed on city government officials, public charities and real estate developers as well.  Anyone who might be a little pony or amateur, chafe ’em.“

Metal Panties were invented in 2011. This drawing is the first appearance of metal panties. This original Andy Whorehall creation sold in 2012 for $1492.00

The new city law comes after the Council took a beating in the press earlier this week for voting against a 28 million dollar plan to allow the City and Rockford Housing Authority to tear some project homes down to build a recreational mini-putt and water slide park on the west side of Rockford. 

Any ad firm and marketing business owner, account executive who does not follow the law and is caught without Metal Panties® on while conducting business, breakfast benders, lunch benders–anything involving project planning and discussion–will be fined $5,000.00 for the first offense.

Along with the offense, each pony will receive a long letter, email, a piece of art (maybe) from local artist, Andy Whorehall, and our debut book “Believe,” reminding them that they are in-fact an amateur who needs to wear their Metal Panties®. Repeat offenders will be fined double the amount each time after along with receiving another scolding creative gift from Andy Whorehall and from us, our debut book, “Believe.”

For more information about Metal Panties®, visit Derby | Reynolds online.

Alonzo Bottums