Community asks, “What’s that smell?” It’s Rockford, and it almost killed us last night.

by Nate, Brother of Gene | February 16, 2014 12:56 PM

Rockford, IL – It could have been so much worse. 150,000 citizens were toiling in Rockford last night when it happened. The poorly ventilated city experienced a build up of explosive human flatulence[1], which combusted unexpectedly. No one is sure why, but they believe more than half of the city’s population touched off a static discharge, causing the conflagration.

The Olive Garden and Red Lobster was damaged, with parts of the Chick-Fil-A roof taking the brunt of the blast. Fortunately, no one was killed, and only 78,000 unemployed Rockford citizens without health insurance were injured.

This was no ordinary community accident. This was a self-generated crisis caused by many local civic pride movements.  Civic bowel movements, that is, transformed by hope and positivity are being investigated for causing the flatus blast[2]. Transform Rockford’s marketing initiatives, along with Our City Our Story’s, are being held in custody .  Flatulent humans are not returning our calls. Why this methane was touched off no one is sure, and it appears the Rockfordians aren’t talking with their mouths, but with their butts.

For locals who are convinced that their family, friends, and neighbors spend their time farting the days away, this is definitive proof that it not only can happen, it can be downright dangerous and smelly.

I am not sure who in Rockford investigates this particular brand of human failure. One thing I can assure, flatulence abuse is ingrained in our Winnebago county culture.

The ironic thing about this is that it could have caused an unfortunate chain of events in less flatulent villages such as Beloit, Roscoe, Rockton, Janesville, Chicago and Belvidere. Having a giant fart powered fireball surging through the midwest would likely get the bovines adrenaline pumping, and lead to the rapid production of more methane, if you catch my drift. This, of course, could lead to secondary explosions and more carnage across the board. Thank goodness that did not happen here. These people in Rockford, IL, don’t know how lucky they are.

Yes sir, we are on to something here. It’s what can happen when you take the lemons out of a city-wide accident and decide to make lemonade. So to speak. Let us learn from this near tragedy and capitalize on its potential. There is more than one way to be fired up by flatulence, Rockford, but for now?  Take a bath, use some soap, and eat less vegetables.

– Chief Tchad Beale

Source URL: https://rkfdnews.com/community-asks-whats-that-smell-its-rockford-and-it-almost-killed-us-last-night/

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