Freeport Alderman to Vote on Mayoral “Bagel Tax”

Freeport Alderman to Vote on Mayoral “Bagel Tax”

FREEPORT, IL – Local leaders with interests in breakfast cuisine are gangbanging over the issue of the recent “bagel tax” suggested by the mayor.  For years, Freeport’s mayor Brettanial Chench, who prefers to be called Brent or Brett, has been paying for small office and kitchen items, snacks, for official guests out of his own pocket.  This week, the mayor passed a motion that would provide him a bi-monthly stipend for snacks and other comestibles.

“When we have foreign dignitaries from Rockford and Beloit stop by, I like to have the nicest Freeport grown coffee beans and grounds, and bagels, and maybe some nice little cookies for them.  It’s a nice gesture,” says Mayor Chench.  “Also, I like to have cream cheese.  Have you ever enjoyed Daryl and Jeanie’s veggie cream cheese from their garden right outside of Freeport here? Delicious. I don’t see what the big problem is.”

But not everyone agrees with the $25 stipend.  3rd-district Alderwoman Jenley Hawson said that the taxpayers shouldn’t have to pay for the mayor’s sundries.

“It’s totally unfair to expect my constituents to pay for the mayor’s highfalutin caffeine parties, especially Daryl and Jeannie’s cream cheese, ” states Alderwoman Hawson.  We’re well over our budget on pastries already, there’s no relief in sight, and he wants Joe Taxpayer to foot the bill?  He’s being selfish, and I will not let him do this to the people of Freeport.”

“Brett was always selfish,” Hawson added.  “We dated in high school.”

The bill will be voted on during next Thursday’s City Council.  If anyone cares to send us a sample of Daryl and Jeannie’s cream cheese, please email us at:

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