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Is Your Poop Backed Up? You Have Rockford IBS—Barry Will Help You

"My wife, Linda, poops regularly everyday.  She does not have Rockford IBS because she listens to me and I help her with her diet.  I am here to help all of you with Rockord IBS!" — Barry Seversyn, RKFDnews Guest Writer

My wife, Linda, poops regularly everyday. She does not have Rockford IBS because she listens to me and I help her with her diet. I am here to help all of you with Rockord IBS!” — Barry Seversyn, RKFDnews Guest Writer

Rockford, IL — It feels like years since I’ve talked to you. Barry here and still beautiful! I’ve heard the critics and read the comments on Facebook: “Sexiest man in Rockford,” and “Hell. Sexiest man between here and Roscoe. Beloit and Belvidere, too.,” and “Barry. That’s who I’m talking about,” and my favorite comment, “Hands down dicks up tittie nipples pierced—Barry is fine as hellthat’s my baby’s daddy,” Thank you to all, especially Linda, my wife, for that last quote.

Barry Seversyn is a good-looking man living in an ugly town. Seversyn is a caucasian Swedish man born in Rockford who’s often praised for his great skin, slender physique, wealth, and knowledge of staying sexy and feeling, looking, and tasting good in tough times. Seversyn is a guest columnist for RKFDNews.com, CNN.com, and WZOK.com. His handsome features and sexy personality are worshiped by all locals—poor people, ladies, mothers, fathers, douchebags, priests, their mistress nuns, and a few domestic animals. All have stopped in their tracks to acknowledge Barry’s natural beauty.

RKFDnews asked if I would be willing to kick off a new decade with a few words of advice related to a syndrome that’s spreading throughout the Northern Illinois region at a rampant pace. I said, “Yes. I am here to help the people of Rockford and beyond.”

This syndrome is affecting many of my loved ones. Rockford IBS. Symptoms includes weeks to month long struggles with irregular bowel movements. What makes Rockford IBS different that common IBS is that its symptoms are inverted. The poop gets stuck, disappears, or—the worst of its symptoms—poop transfers itself to the brain and feet. It is very strange. I poop everyday, almost 4 times a day. It is the secret to my sexiness and timeless beauty.

Strangers have private messaged me on Facebook asking me for help with Rockford IBS. For years I believed I was being trolled and ignored responding to the desperate, helpless locals with Rockford IBS. Last week, Chief Jay Vannigan of this publication, rkfdnews, contacted me. He hadn’t pooped in weeks. He sneezed and out came poop. He couldn’t explain it, but anxieties settled in. There was only one man in the region that could help him, me, Barry.

It took someone close to me to dig deeper into my daily bowel movement routines to assess a solution for Rockford IBS. Once I pin pointed what helps me maintain and sustain a healthy poop schedule, I listed it out and asked Chief Vannigan to try it out. It worked. He has returned to pooping out of his butt every morning at 6:52 AM on the dot. A second movement demands his attention between 10:45 AM and 11:35 AM. He mentioned to me that a third movement sometimes occurs between 3:50 PM and 4:30 PM. He is happy and healthy, Rockford IBS cured.

And now I, Barry, the sexiest man in Rockford—as well as the most beautiful man in America that happens to be mustached, hung, well groomed, an incredible body that befits greek mythology, well fed by the finest of fast food establishments, and regularly pooping without worry—presents to you the herbal, organic cure for Rockford IBS.

Rockford IBS Cure

  • Go to Beef-a-Roo, order a Banana Shake, drink it fast—do not use a straw. Don’t be lazy. Lift that lid up and off and cream your face with it. Pound it. Toss the lid out of the window of your moving car for the squirrels to play with.
  • Immediately go to McDonalds and order a Sausage McMuffin With Egg Sandwich with a small orange juice. Immediately eat it, do not drink the OJ until you’re done with the filthy sandwich. Once done eating, pound that juice and toss the cup onto your car’s passenger side floor.
  • Drive to the nearest Chick Fil-A and wait for them to open. They have weird hours, so plan the above steps accordingly with your availability. Pooping is no joke, but if you haven’t been pooping for days to weeks, you can wait an extra day to plan out this cure. Once at the Chick-Fil-A, go inside and order an original fried chicken sandwich with extra Polynesian sauce packets. Eat half of the sandwich, get up, and walk away, someone walking by will eat the rest—DO NOT THROW AWAY THE POLYNESIAN SAUCES, KEEP THEM—get in your car and drive to the nearest grocery store.
  • You’re at the nearest grocery store now. Take out a minimum of two Polynesian Sauce packets from the Chick Fil-A, open then and drink them in your car. Toss the empty plastic packets onto the passenger side seat. Leave them there for months to prevent family and friends from sitting next to you while you drive. Walk into the grocery store, buy two fresh oranges and a bottle of orange juice with pulp—lots of pulp!—to take home.
  • On your way home, stop for a Grande Latte from Starbucks, drink it really fast on your drive home. Burn your tongue, loosen up the gastro system. Pound it, park your car, remove the lid to litter your back seat with, and then toss the Grande Latte cup into your neighbor’s yard for the squirrels to play with and head inside.
  • Once home, peel your oranges and eat them. Pour yourself a tall glass of OJ with Lots of Pulp. End this cure with a fresh pot of coffee, pour yourself a cup, sip away.
  • Within 3 to 4 sips, your body is ready to explode all of the poop that’s been hiding in your butt and brain. Run to your toilet—don’t forget your smart phone to check Facebook. The poop that’s been hiding inside your body is ready to escape.

Breathe, relax, release. You are cured! Tell your Facebook friends and family that Barry from rkfdnews.com helped you poop for the first time in weeks. Help someone else!

Chief Jay Vannigan, pictured above, cured by Barry’s Rockford IBS solution.

I want to end this by returning to how I opened this masterclass in solving Rockford IBS. Linda is clearly aware of how beautiful I am, and pooping everyday at the same time is a major contributor. Everywhere we travel people whisper in our presence, “Nice mustache, Barry—you’re a lucky gal, Linda.”

Yes, Linda is very lucky to have me in her life. I make love as smooth as I poop and this is why I have the body of a greek god and the cock of an italian horse—a stallion. I am Swedish and was born in Rockford. Swedish people ask me all of time how I got lucky. It isn’t luck—it’s persistence to take care of your body.

These daily healthy activities serve as no coincidence towards my flawless existence. You, too, can poop and climax with your hot wife or husband everyday no matter your sexual orientation and stuff, whatever all of that internet jazz is about—and more than once can you poop and climax without your body succumbing to Rockford IBS! Guaranteed, and you tell everyone that Barry says so.

Thank you, everyone, I hope this cure helps everyone with Rockford IBS. If you have any questions or additional health concerns, leave a message below.

Barry Seversyn

Barry
20out of 5
Rockford IBS
4out of 5
Peasants
12out of 5
Barry's Cure
20out of 5
Regional Employers
4out of 5
Downtown Rockford
4out of 5
Moscow Mitch
4out of 5
Donald Trump
4out of 5
Rockford Art Deli
4out of 5
Linda, Barry's Wife
20out of 5
Beef-A-Roo
16out of 5
Banana Shake
20out of 5
McDonald's
8out of 5
Sausage McMuffin With Egg
8out of 5
Chick Fil-A
12out of 5
Fried Chicken Sandwich
12out of 5
Polynesian Sauce
20out of 5
Barry's Cock
20out of 5
Starbucks
8out of 5
Grande Latte
12out of 5
Oranges
20out of 5
OJ With Pulp
20out of 5
Fresh Coffee
16out of 5
Pooping
20out of 5
Toilet Paper
16out of 5
Visitors Vote
4out of 5

3.29

3.29 out of 5
Average


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