by Barry The Beautiful | January 11, 2020 11:59 AM
Rockford, IL — It feels like years since I’ve talked to you. Barry here and still beautiful! I’ve heard the critics and read the comments on Facebook: “Sexiest man in Rockford,” and “Hell. Sexiest man between here and Roscoe. Beloit and Belvidere, too.,” and “Barry. That’s who I’m talking about,” and my favorite comment, “Hands down dicks up tittie nipples pierced—Barry is fine as hell—that’s my baby’s daddy,” Thank you to all, especially Linda, my wife, for that last quote.
RKFDnews asked if I would be willing to kick off a new decade with a few words of advice related to a syndrome that’s spreading throughout the Northern Illinois region at a rampant pace. I said, “Yes. I am here to help the people of Rockford and beyond.”
This syndrome is affecting many of my loved ones. Rockford IBS. Symptoms includes weeks to month long struggles with irregular bowel movements. What makes Rockford IBS different that common IBS is that its symptoms are inverted. The poop gets stuck, disappears, or—the worst of its symptoms—poop transfers itself to the brain and feet. It is very strange. I poop everyday, almost 4 times a day. It is the secret to my sexiness and timeless beauty.
Strangers have private messaged me on Facebook asking me for help with Rockford IBS. For years I believed I was being trolled and ignored responding to the desperate, helpless locals with Rockford IBS. Last week, Chief Jay Vannigan of this publication, rkfdnews, contacted me. He hadn’t pooped in weeks. He sneezed and out came poop. He couldn’t explain it, but anxieties settled in. There was only one man in the region that could help him, me, Barry.
It took someone close to me to dig deeper into my daily bowel movement routines to assess a solution for Rockford IBS. Once I pin pointed what helps me maintain and sustain a healthy poop schedule, I listed it out and asked Chief Vannigan to try it out. It worked. He has returned to pooping out of his butt every morning at 6:52 AM on the dot. A second movement demands his attention between 10:45 AM and 11:35 AM. He mentioned to me that a third movement sometimes occurs between 3:50 PM and 4:30 PM. He is happy and healthy, Rockford IBS cured.
And now I, Barry, the sexiest man in Rockford—as well as the most beautiful man in America that happens to be mustached, hung, well groomed, an incredible body that befits greek mythology, well fed by the finest of fast food establishments, and regularly pooping without worry—presents to you the herbal, organic cure for Rockford IBS.
I want to end this by returning to how I opened this masterclass in solving Rockford IBS. Linda is clearly aware of how beautiful I am, and pooping everyday at the same time is a major contributor. Everywhere we travel people whisper in our presence, “Nice mustache, Barry—you’re a lucky gal, Linda.”
Yes, Linda is very lucky to have me in her life. I make love as smooth as I poop and this is why I have the body of a greek god and the cock of an italian horse—a stallion. I am Swedish and was born in Rockford. Swedish people ask me all of time how I got lucky. It isn’t luck—it’s persistence to take care of your body.
These daily healthy activities serve as no coincidence towards my flawless existence. You, too, can poop and climax with your hot wife or husband everyday no matter your sexual orientation and stuff, whatever all of that internet jazz is about—and more than once can you poop and climax without your body succumbing to Rockford IBS! Guaranteed, and you tell everyone that Barry says so.
Thank you, everyone, I hope this cure helps everyone with Rockford IBS. If you have any questions or additional health concerns, leave a message below.
— Barry Seversyn
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