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Local Swedes Not Worried As Trader Joes Says F**k No To Five Points Neighborhood
Rockford, IL – The popular Trader Joe’s grocery store, which is nationally owned by Aldi’s chain, politely said “f**k no, we’re not coming to Rockford.” Community internet organizers (click here) and local Swedish people were reeling from the sad news this past week.
Trader Joe’s Would Be Nice In Rockford, IL, but So Would a Pony Show
“I guess we’ll have to start another online petition to replace this one,” said a neighborhood Swedish man and Trader Joe’s enthusiast, Thorne Salssen.
The chain was being petitioned the idea to move into the old Hilander / Schnucks grocery store, located in the historic five points neighborhood. The neighborhood is known for its Swedish immigrant transplants with old world money hidden in modest homes with high property taxes.
In recent years, the neighborhood has made a financial transition from old world Swedish money to new world Swedish money to help keep Rockford poor everywhere else in town through private real estate transactions and family trust funds.
Christina Fransborger, a single Swedish woman in the five points neighborhood said, “I believe The Rockford can overcome such negativity placed upon our proud neighborhood by Trader Joe’s. One day we’ll have an Aldi’s grocery store in the five points neighborhood that my Swedish brethren can spend our old world money at. The Rockford will have the last word.”
Oh my. You will learn more when we know less.™
– Ron Kites
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Th’ Olympic Tavahn (Redneck Translation)
“The Olympic Tavern,” originally published by Kate Menstraight. Translation of original article translated by Johnny Redneck of Rockford, IL, below.
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