Mayor Gets New Doors
“Canada has the best paint in the world.” Barry Morrison
ROCKFORD, IL – With the wounds still fresh and the election just days behind us here in the Forest City of Hopes, Dreams, Sounds, Visions and Carp, Mayor Morrison decided to spend some of the city’s money on new doors for his office and the new Mining Claims office he has put conveniently next to his.
“It’s the same office, only different” said Morrison. The doors cost the taxpayers about $13,000 according to the paperwork we received. “We had the letters custom painted by an artist from Ohio and the paint was shipped to us from Canada. They have the best paint in the world,” said Morrison in a Skype conference call from a downtown coffee shop.
“The door handles are also made of pure gold and the columns were hand crafted in Michigan by the internationally famous, blind sculptor, Vincent Harglashio.” Said Morrison.
Mining claims are now available and are open to any citizen who qualifies as an adult and can swing a pick axe 12 times in a 30 minute period. While most areas in the city are subject to mining claims, some areas, such as national parks and monuments, are not available. To stake a claim to mine on city property, follow the appropriate steps, fill out the right papers and pay the necessary fees to the Mining Claims Office at City Hall. Tell them that my boss, Chief Tchad Beale, sent ya.
You’ll know more when we know less.™
– Jay Vannigan
Related Articles
Freeport Alderman to Vote on Mayoral “Bagel Tax”
“When we have foreign dignitaries from Rockford and Beloit stop by, I like to have the nicest Freeport grown coffee beans and grounds, and bagels, and maybe some nice little cookies for them. It’s a nice gesture,” says…
1100 Confiscated Weed Plants Will Be Used to Transform Rockford Economy, Misery, Our Stories, Vision, Train, Casino, Hotel and Amateur Sports Stuff but also to Love Rockford More or Whatever
Rockford, IL– The ol’ Fatty McGee’s / Stash O’ Neil’s and Hard Times bar on East State Street across from
Free Wagon Rides – City Market Party Returns to Downtown
ROCKFORD, IL – Rockford, IL’s fourth annual summer and early fall downtown party returns tomorrow for another ride–that is–free wagon
Thank you for spending time with us on the internet. Please waste more time and energy by sharing your internet emotions below: