Multiple Reports of an Angry “Poltergoose” Near Rock River

Multiple Reports of an Angry “Poltergoose” Near Rock River

Rockford – As the fog rolled in, late Friday night, near the Nicholson Conservatory and Hardware Poké-Stop, low-pitched, angry honking was reported in a call made to RKFD News. They could- and perhaps should, have called the cops, but we seemed like the logical choice at the time. Below is a transcript from that fateful call:

  • Janet: RKFD News, this is Janet how can I help you make Rockford great on the internet for America again?
  • Pat: Janet, My name is Pat Steadman. I’m on the bike path, I can’t see much but I’m hearing some sort of vicious goose fight right now. I’m wondering if these could be some of the geese from the goose-fighting pit that got busted.

*flapping feathers*
*loud, angry honking*
*abrupt silence*

  • Janet: Oh, you don’t have to worry about them. They were humanely euthanized. Well… except for Mindy. She was the breeding queen of the best fighting geese in Rockford. I was told she died before the vets got to her.
  • Pat: Good! I guess I’ll try to get a better look at whats going on.
  • Janet: I would absolutely advise that.

*long silence*

      • Pat: (screaming) Oh God! Oh God, They’re dead!
      • Janet: Who’s dead, Pat?
      • Pat: The Swans- Jesus! F@#K! There’s blood everywhere!
      • Janet: Don’t freak out Pat, it was probably suicide. Those swans have been trying to kill themselves for years.
      • Pat: No f$&king way lady! These things are in pieces- What the f-

*loud splash*

      • Janet: Pat? Pat?

 

*honking*
*screaming*
*call drops*

The last Instagram photo Pat Steadman posted. Friday, 10:17 PM

The last Instagram photo Pat Steadman posted. Friday, 10:17 PM

Janet hangs up and calls Social Media Animal Services. The SMAS confirmed that they have been receiving reports of an aggravated goose all night. More than one person described the goose as hovering in the air as if it were swimming.

This Morning, I contacted the RDP (Rick’s Dream Police). They told me me, they didn’t have any information on any of the disappearances that took place near the river over the weekend. They would only say, “At this time, they would not be contacting the WDSWF.” (Winnibago County Department of Super-natural Water Fowl) This obviously led to more questions…

Here’s what we know. Pat has not logged into his social media since Friday at 10:17 PM. More terrifyingly, he has not poked, liked, shared, PM-ed, blocked, commented, up-voted or reported anyone or anything since Friday!

This story isn’t over. We’ll do our best to learn less, so you can know more.


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