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Oldest North American Tree Accidentally Discovered in Rockford
Rockford, IL – The City of Rockford’s Parks and Recreation Department (RPRD) accidentally discovered another reason to label our region “The Forest City“: A Giant Sequoia tree was removed from the property currently occupied by Portillo’s during it’s construction in early 2015.
RPRD officials are claiming that the tree was thought to be “old and diseased” before uprooting it from the earth, which is now a fast-food restaurant parking lot. Environmental protection and investigation agents stepped in last year to retrieve the sliced trunk remnants after a tip was placed to investigate the Rockford area for illegal tree removals.
The Giant Sequoia’s rings have revealed that the tree was alive before its removal, and approaching 6,591 years in age, making it the oldest known tree in America. The oldest living tree was thought to be a Great Basin Bristlecone Pine, located in White Mountains, California.
“Transformation takes sacrifice,” said Lon Thorsberg, the city’s tree zoning director of fertilization and removal. “The people of Rockford asked for beef. That’s what we gave them. We’re sorry about the tree. No one gives a shit anyway.”
You’ll learn more when we know less.
– Jay Vannigan
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Wow for that douchbag to say nobody gives a shit he should be punched in the throat, that would have gave rockford the oldest tree, yes people give a shit. I bet rockford would have had alot more visitors to see the tree than people coming from out of town to go to portillos. Makes me fucking sick that they cut it down but then for that bitch to say nobody cares
I think you spelled “douchbag” wrong. It’s “douchebag.” Your smart phone settings may be auto-correcting incorrectly.
You guys do realize this is a satire site, right?
Our site is not satire. We are true, story-telling, noose breakers. Thank you for spending your time with us on the internets.
To Lon Thorsberg, transformation does take sacrifice, so lets say you step out of your position because nobody gives a shit about you anyway!!
Lon Thorsberg is an arrogant ass. We need someone in his place that actually cares about this city maybe it will change things a little.
I wont be eating at portillos Ever!! Can you imagine the tourist attractions it would have brought.. Smh.
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