Piranhas Injure 70 People Bathing In Rock River

by JoAnne Rankles | June 9, 2014 8:11 AM

[Update June 10th, 2014]

A hungry attack by piranhas has injured 70 people bathing in the Rock River, including seven children and eighteen homeless veterans who lost parts of their legs, arms, hands, feet, fingers or toes.

[1]Rockford, IL – Director of lifeguards Frederico Dontavio said today that “thousands of bathers were enjoying 70-degree temperatures in the Rock River in The Rockford yesterday when bathers suddenly began complaining of bite marks on their hands and feet.”

He blamed the attack on polentatitis[2], “a type of midwestern piranha[3], big, voracious and with sharp teeth that can really bite your face off if you didn’t bathe your last meal scraps off your face well enough.”

[4]Paramedic Alonzo Monini said some children he treated lost entire legs.

Rockford’s Homeless Pop Star, Johnny Emerald The IIIrd, had this to tell us, “I eat dem fish!  Stop bathing in the river, that’s my bath tub!“[5]

Two years ago piranhas attacked and killed a young lady named Linda who leapt into the Rock River near Beloit, WI. The 18-year-old victim was drunk when she jumped out of a canoe to pee in the river.

Flesh-eating fish will be a concern this summer in the Rockford area.  Homeless people[6] and children are advised to stay away from bathing in the Rock River until late fall early winter.

You will not learn anything until you know more about bathing safely in the Rock River.

– JoAnne Rankles

Source URL: https://rkfdnews.com/piranhas-injure-70-people-bathing-in-rock-river/

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