Poork Town: Artist Stabbed By Angry Eat-Local Lady Fan After Enjoying Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits

Poork Town:  Artist Stabbed By Angry Eat-Local Lady Fan After Enjoying Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits

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Poork Town is a special series from RKFDnews.com that focuses on what makes our community’s egos, stomachs, necks, legs, arms, butts and heads so large, poor, and proud.

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Rockford, IL –  Extremely famous Rockord artist, Randy Warballs, was stabbed to death with a fork in broad daylight by an angry eat-local lady fan in the Red Lobster parking lot this afternoon.  Witnesses said that the eat-local lady approached Mr. Warballs yelling, “I caught you!  I knew it.  You are a piece of shit.   I will kill you now with my local fork I stole from a local restaurant I support with my local money.  You don’t eat local, Randy!  I will kill you now!”

Randy Warballs began laughing at the lady hysterically while turning to open the door to his Mercedes Benz.  Laura Comgobble was there and saw what happened next.

” I think Randy thought she was joking or being proud like Rockfordians enjoy pretending to be.  He turned around to leave thinking there was no harm.  That’s when she lunged at him, stabbing him at least 38 times in the back with a fork going deeper and deeper with each hit.  It was so gross. Randy fell to the pavement on his face laughing.  I think he yelled something, too.”

"Mmm! Eat My Dick Rockford!" said Randy Warballs, famous Rockford, artist, before being stabbed to death by an eat-local lady murderer at Red Lobster in Rockford, IL.

“Mmm! Eat My Dick Rockford!” said Randy Warballs, famous Rockford, artist, before being stabbed to death by an eat-local lady murderer at Red Lobster in Rockford, IL.

What did he yell?

“I think he said, “Mmmm! Red Lobster es soul delicious. Hahaha. Eat my dick, Rockford! Hahaha… haha… ha.””

Wow. Ok, well.

Sources inside the Red Lobster restaurant say that Mr. Warballs enjoyed a dozen Cheddar Bay Biscuits before his untimely death.  No charges are being made against the eat local lady murderer because no one knows who Mr. Warballs is related to.  The city of Rockford has been trying to shut Mr. Warballs up for years and this comes as a blessing to the entire community.

When we learn more, you’ll know less.™

– Ron Kites



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  1. MaryAnne 22 October, 2013, 09:42

    Looks like he had it coming – signed – sealed – delivered!!

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