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Report: Google Fibre Coming To Rockford
Rockford, IL — Recent reports confirm that Google Fibre will soon be brought to the Rockford area.
“Rockford’s one of the more constipated metropolitan areas in the Upper Midwest,” said a Silicon Valley executive with knowledge of the project.
“With their proximity to Wisconsin, they consume a lot more cheese than most of the rest of Illinois. And those fatties love their Pizza Hut buffet. Holy shit, that guy’s going back for dessert pizza. Incredible.”
Not to be confused with Google Fiber, Google Fibre is a specialized search engine that offers consumers advice on how to incorporate healthy fiber into their diets. It has been wildly successful in places where food choices are poor, and enjoys three times the market share of its closest competitor, Microsoft Bowel.
“Now when somebody Googles the nearest Kentucky Fried Chicken location, they’ll get targeted results designed to steer them toward more healthy choices for their colon,” said Karen Haverchuk, a local nutritionist.
Haverchuk added: “It’s really great. Buffalo, NY, has seen a remarkable increase in the amount of soluble fiber in their sewage treatment plant since Google Fibre came to town. If the chicken wing capitol of the world can see results, maybe Rockford has a slight chance.”
– Chuck Toncha
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