Magic Pussy Lion Terrorizes Rockford Woman Again

12 Aug, 2016

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ROCKFORD, IL – Weeniebagel County Coroner, Rue Squiducha, said “an autopsy today is expected to determine whether a 75-year-old woman found dead Monday afternoon was a cat or possibly a cat-human. My friend Sgt. Ron says it might me the magical pussy eating lion that’s terrorizing Rockford at night. She had multiple gunshots wounds and bruises but I’m a bit more concerned about my son’s report card right now.”

The woman has not yet been identified and notifications to family members are still pending because the hair and claw samples from the kitty cat / pussy eating lion are still being analyzed.

Firefighters were called shortly before 2:30 p.m. Sunday to the basement of an apartment in the 78699 block of South Bergner Street where they found the cat-like woman.

”I am still grossed out by her akward appearance,” said firefighter Brett Blaze. “I was so scared when I entered the basement that I started shooting everything! I shot the couch, a small ottoman, and kicked what I thought was a lion or large pussy eating lion with magical powers.”

No information regarding the circumstances of the woman’s death have been released. Call your drunk friends and fucked up family members if you have any information about the woman’s death or the whereabouts of the pussy eating magical mystery lion with the pretty pink headband on it’s head.

– Jay Vannigan