Rockford Homeless Man Identifies As Goose- You’ll Never Guess Why!

Rockford Homeless Man Identifies As Goose- You’ll Never Guess Why!

Rockford has been very concerned with where to poop and who to poop with recently. A problem that used to be so simple… You got giblets- poop over there. You got a dangler- poop over here.

I went out for a walk on the bike path this past Sunday afternoon. It was unusually warm for a mid-September day, and the goose shit smelled particularly ripe. It was then that I realized something was off. In the distance, in the middle of a gaggle of geese, I could see a man hunched over grunting in pain—or so I thought. I did not realize until much later that this man had discovered the greatest ‘life-hack’ that I’ve ever seen.

I caught up to the man after he had finished rinsing off in the river. He agreed to talk with me about his life and new-found identity.

I’m a goose. I’m so sick n’ tired of all these bars and restaurants telling me to ‘Get the Hell outta’ here, ya pervert!’—especially when I’m simply looking for a place to shit. Just cause I’m homeless don’t mean I’m not a human being! Well… That I wasn’t a human, before my transition. I’m a goose now. I can do whatever the hell I want!”

Goose

Goose

The Rockford Goose Alliance (RGA) has received many complaints about the man-goose pooping on the sidewalk, splashing around in the river and hissing at children. We caught up with Sean Honkerson, our man on the inside. He liked, commented and shared this statement all over the internet:

Nobody here wants to be on the wrong side of trans-species rights. It’s a touchy subject. It all seems so unnecessary. Let people use whichever bathroom they want for whatever they want to do—like changing diapers or sniffing cocaine! I shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of railing some lines off of the back of a toilet seat, bruh. I’m a human being, too.”

Let us know how you feel about this. Have we gone too far? Is this a slippery, goose shit-covered slope? Ask your Grandma what she thinks about geese, pooping, bathing in the river without soap and sniffing cocaine off of public restroom toilet seats. Message us! Comment! E-mail! For the love of God, I’m so lonely. Please talk to me in order to make Rockford great again for America on the internet, you positive-proud-shit-grinning savages.

— Chaz


Tags assigned to this article:
geesegoosepoopingrock riverrockfordsean honkerson

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