RKFD Man Stabs Himself With Empowerment For His 52nd Birthday

24 Mar, 2013

Print this article Font size -16+

Rockford, IL – A man celebrating his 52nd birthday arrived at SwedishAmerican Hospital around 9:30 p.m., Tuesday, with self-inflicted stab wounds to his chest, legs, left arm, cheeks, forehead, left hand, right kneecap,toes, and left buttock.

The man told police: “I was walking with a friend on Montague Street when I realized that someone in Rockford of Illinois had not been stabbed in a couple of days.  So, I stabbed myself several times while shouting things like, ‘Rockford taught us all a lot! Rockford would fight with us, rearing and biting, then turning and kicking.  Rockford taught us how to defend ourselves from wolves, bears and mountain lions!  I remember how proud I would be when Rockford won a fight! Now I know that Rockford let us win just to build our confidence!  Rockford wanted us to feel as if we were brave and powerful like him!’ Oh, Rockford got in me good for my birthday, and so I took it out on myself to make myself stronger.”

Police said the man’s injury was not believed to be life threatening but  he is undergoing a full brain scan along with a body fluid check, and several other tests.  “I don’t know if he needs these tests, but we need to be sure,” said Dr. Paul, Rockford’s famous school board psychotherapist.

On a positive note, gun violence is at a all time low. “With the new, tougher, gun laws, we will see an increase in stabbings and chokings. For sure,” said  RKFDP advisor, Scott Canudubetr.

You will know less when we know more.™

– George Brawn