Ron Kites’ Best of Rockford 2013
Hello, everyone. I’m Ron Kites and it’s been another great year for Rockford. Here are are my top two Best of Rockford 2013 awards.
Best Rockford Cafes of 2013:
All of the Starbucks located within a 4 mile radius on the East Side of Rockford deserve to share this award after announcing their intents to exile all local Rockford locations by February 12th. They help keep prosperity in check, especially on the East side of Rockford while commercial development has been enabling Rockford’s descent into the financial abyss for 4 decades. (Thank you, First Rockford Group!) Our most fortunate “Rockford-wealthy but poor-in-Chicago” individuals (marketing firm owning scumbags, real estate developers, future nurses and teachers, business executive jerk offs, soccer moms, trust-fund babies, and sales rep sluts) fuel the local economy the best they can with chit-chat and caffeine at our local Sbux cafe shops to keep Rockford fueled with positivity in trying times. Any job creation to save Rockford from the economic abyss only occurs because of Starbucks–and we thank the java monster for providing the safest jobs in town to have while people discuss the best way to create more jobs over a $5 cup of coffee. If you haven’t found a Starbucks near you on the east side of Rockford, look for a Walgreens, a gas station, a white people place of worship (those big ol’ business churches), or a McDonalds to help lead you to the promised land, East Rockford. Here’s a map to help you below. Congrats, East Side!
Best Rockford Sportsball Teams of 2013:
The Auburn Knights may not be the best at golfing, soccer, and fishing but they do have the potential to win–to DESTROY THE BOYLAN TITANS in volleyball and other sportsball stuff. Due to the fact that they have the best weapons surplus, they are Rockford’s #1 sportsball team of 2013. Boylan Titans has the best drugs if not the most money to up their surplus need be. However, The Fighting Irish Titans’ sold off their gun trafficking to the Knights in late 2012, which shifted the city’s sportsball powers to the uniforms in red and black. Times are tough for the green and yellows, but these two professional sports ball organizations represent Rockford’s west side–along with the heart of the city–while Starbucks continues to supply the East side with coffee and chit-chats. Congrats, West Side!
You will learn more when we know less.™
– Ron Kites
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