Space Jump Into Rock River A Result Of Bears Bye Week

Space Jump Into Rock River A Result Of Bears Bye Week

Sam Bumgarner, seen here descending to Earth will not miss the Bears game this week, because they are on a bye.

UPDATE:  NASA, the popular American space exploration video game program, contacted us via email to congratulate the local man from Rockford, Sam Burngarner, who jumped from space into our beautiful Rock River during the Chicago Bears’ bye week.

 

Larry Chadwich,Director of Keyboard Commands Control Center, told us, “NASA used to invest in quality workmanship on the Rockford region.  We contracted millions of dollars in work, parts manufacturing for the Space Shuttle, to Ingersoll Milling during the 70s, 80s and 90s.

 

We had always hoped the region would treasure the work we gave them for years, unnoticed, but the selling off and closing of many divisions in the Ingersoll Milling company forced us to cut back contracts as well.  We occasionally send a little manufacturing work to the poor people who are still working in Rockford, but it’s sure hard to keep our ship floating on earth these days, too.  Space is the place, guys.  We hope RKFDNews.com is striving to help us get back to space soon.

 

Good thing there’s guys like Sam Burngarner out there keeping Ingersoll’s original vision alive for Rockford while we continue to be the leaders in video gaming space exploration.  Keep an eye out for footage from our Mars Curiosity project in next year’s Xbox and PlayStation 3 Release, “Total Recall 4:  American Workers Recalled Back To Ingersoll HQ”

 

Thank you, Larry, for the email about your true* history with a Rockford company you used to give work to for decades!  Write us anytime, we appreciate it.
(*True story, NASA’s Space Shuttle program had parts engineered, manufactured in Rockford for decades. No one was paying attention, sadly.  Bye, bye Ingersoll, bye, bye jobs.  That’s the way the cornbread crumbles, guys.)

 

Roswell, New Mexico – Sam Bumgarner’s planned space jump today from 23 miles in space coinciding with the bye week of the Chicago Bears is no accident. Although the jump should only take 10 minutes from launch to landing in the Rock River, the Rockford native detailed how this space jump changes his normal Sunday rituals.

“I like to pregame. And by pregame, I mean get belligerent drunk and jack it for 2 to 3 hours. I hold it though. Just like pulling the ripcord. It’s best to wait until the last possible moment. And it keeps me strong for the game. If it’s a Bears win, it’s a huge release,” said Sam as he suited up for today’s historic jump into our historic river.

Sam isn’t the only member of the Bumgarner family to have Sunday rituals. Sam’s wife Peg wraps herself entirely in bacon prior to kickoff. Every time the Bears score, Peg takes pieces off and throws them in the frying pan.

“We have been eating pretty good on Sundays this year. By the time the Jacksonville game was over I think I had 2 or 3 pounds of bacon in my belly and 2 or 3 ounces of spunk on my belly.”

If successful Sam’s space jump today will propel him into the record books. He will be the first man to ever jump from this height, while not touching himself upon descent.

“Normally I would be pleasuring myself, so the real hazard here is if I get the urge to do that I have to remember that exposing my body to minus 70 degrees below zero is problematic. I always wanted to be famous for something besides exposing myself at Sinnissippi Gardens. I mean, there’s something to be said for creeping up behind someone while they smell a flower and whipping it out, but this goes beyond local status,” Sam said as he boarded his balloon.

RKFD News has also learned that this will be Sam’s final jump. He has not yet decided what to do with his spare time but does have some ideas what his wife should be doing.

“I already told her I wanted a robot that does whatever I tell it and responds in the voice of Mike Ditka. I am sure someone from Sony or China, Japan, or hell, even Korea, has built that already and they are just holding out for a few more dollars because they know Americans are more likely to buy anything they can instead of creating it themselves. I want my own Ditka robot and I want it now! If I tell RoboDitka to make me a cheese and sausage plate he’ll do it and like it. And if I want him to break down game tape with me, he’ll do it. No cigar smoking though, it’s bad for my respiration. I need all the oxygen I can get for Sundays,” Sam said via a Snype satellite transmission far above the Earth.

If you know where Peg Bumgarner can find a RoboDitka please contact tips@rkfdnews.com


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