SupplyCorn Stuns City With Name Change to SupplyPorn

06 Feb, 2013

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SupplyCorn has decided to abruptly change it’s business name and product line specialties based on a 24 hour evaluation of the Rockford area after relocating to Rockford from Iowa yesterday. Company representatives announced this incredible news by unveiling a new company sign that glows big and bright over the beautiful Rock River today, replacing SupplyCorn with SupplyPorn.

Rockford, IL – What a twisted, unpredictable 24 hours it has been for the City of Rockford, it’s hopeful leaders and depressed civilians.

We broke news about Newton, Iowa’s, largest manufacturer, SupplyCorn, moving it’s business to downtown Rockford.  We asked their CEO for a comment and all they sent us in response was a recipe for “ROCKFORD CORN SOUP“– which we are beyond grateful for.  However, the jobs alone were thoughtful enough–at least that’s what RKFDNEws.com and all of the city wanted to be thankful for last night before they went to bed.  Today, it all changed.

SupplyCorn has decided to abruptly change it’s business name and product line specialties based on a 24 hour evaluation of the Rockford area.  Company representatives announced this incredible news by unveiling a new company sign that glows big and bright over the beautiful Rock River.  We are in as much shock as one could imagine, but unlike most of our city’s leaders, we are ecstatic to announce that SupplyCorn is now SupplyPorn.

Lando Schromm, a representative for SupplyPorn, explains the shocking move.

“We at SupplyCorn relocated from Iowa to help the northern IL region.  

 

We had received insider economic tips from our team spread across the grain belt that the area had an abundance of peasants needing work.  Which was true.  However, we did not think about the corn or how to teach the peasants how to make the corns and the soups.  Our view of the Rock River is first class and moving back to Iowa seems like the smarter thing to do after 24 hours but we are committed to making something out all of your village’s peasants.  Such healthy hands are available and ready to work we thought.  So, last night, a team of our top scientists and marketing professionals took out our CEO on the town.  

 

We enjoyed Rockford from an outsider’s perspective, to see what we could offer immediately to the world, that Rockford can manufacture.  We enjoyed many beers at many bars, shopped for Doritos at Walgreens, bought feel good Tshirts and Sock Monkey dolls, smoked weed and puffed on delicious cigarettes with local artists and politicians, drank cucumber/flax seed vodka and ate duck crepes at RedIce Organic Tavern with a few proud locals, met some artists who are the best in all of Rockford, hung out with a very beautiful man who happens to work for RKFDNews – Barry, what a good looking man – and then we caught a late night stack of flapjacks at Spring Garden while we decided what to do.  

 

It was very obvious to us after 24 hours in Rockford that supplying corn was not a bright idea and that the peasants hands weren’t capable of handling such labor or training after years of partying, painting, drawing, listening to local leaders talk talk talk the walk, and unemployment.  We knew right away that Dildo Manufacturing could revive the Forest City of Dreams back to it’s 1890s to 1960s levels of success.  

 

Everyone needs dildos and everyone needs corn.  We know without hesitation that dildo manufacturing will be better for our company model as long as we remain committed to staying in downtown Rockford.  We’re a long way from Iowa now, but we are committed to bringing jobs back to the Rock River Valley of Dreams while providing joy and necessary happiness to lovers all over the world.  We are SupplyPorn, and we are proud to be your next leading hometown employer of dreams and visions.”

We have no further comments because this is great news for the Forest City of Hopes, Dreams, and Visions.  Thank you, Lando, and thank you SupplyPorn for saving the peasants of Rockford, IL with dildo  manufacturing jobs.

– Tchad Beale