Happy Unemployed Educated Males Baffles Nation’s Best Psychotherapists According To A New Regional Report

01 Nov, 2012

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Jeremy Chadstone, a happy unemployed educated man from Rockford, IL, 32, enjoys cheetohs after a nap, before some online browsing. Local men like Jeremy have baffled the B.P.A. of America according to a new study released.

Rockford, IL –  Northern IL is known for baffling the rest of the country with poor economic statistics.  Natives often confuse emotions with math and metaphors, but they’re also confusing the nation’s best professional psychotherapists who have been monitoring the region’s unemployed college educated men for the last ten years.

According to a new report released by the B.P.A of America (Baffled Psychotherapists Association of America), a census study of 22,000 estimated unemployed college graduate men from Winnebago County are extremely happy with their day to day actions.

Those actions include:

• Staying in bed
• urinating when necessary
• sleeping
• lunch
• video games
• naps
• bowel movements
• cheetohs
• milk
• online visits to askjolene.com or TED.com (popular with lazy people who have jobs, too)
• thoughts of leaving the house to see, watch, listen to friends drinking at near-by bars
• going back to bed

Dr. Robert Evans says, “It’s baffling.  In most cases like these, educated men from other opportunity-less regions are extremely depressed and often suicidal when they have nothing to live and work for.  How could they not while often watching the best jobs go to the most unqualified individuals to screw up their region even more for decades to come.  Typically, depression and suicidal tendencies are normal results for men in unemployed, educated life situations.  Not the case in Winnebago County.  In fact, the exact opposite.  It’s really fucked up.  I brought my early results before the B.P.A. in 2007 and they told me to wait another five years.  I did, and guess what? The happiness levels of unemployed educated men skyrocketed while the national recession got worse. It’s truly baffling.”

We asked Dr. Evans why this might be happening and could only offer what many logical thinkers in the region already believe.  “A wave of reality has hit the region in the last twenty plus years that no one seems to want to accept would be my assumption. I am truly fucking baffled by the region’s complacency and lack of urgency to be as depressed as it should be, emotionally.”

Dr. Evans also brought up Forbes and Money Magazine–along with respected economists and the Dept. of Labor–who have been called naughty, negative people for labeling the region’s economic conditions and facts as being ‘miserable’ by our region’s top marketing professionals and high school graduates who love to party here on mommy and daddy’s money.

He laughingly contended his own results once more before alluding to his own possible unemployment;

“In 33 years of studying males behaviors in tough times, your region has left me and the B.P.A. baffled. I don’t know what else to say which makes me question what the hell I’ve been doing for the last 33 years, including the last 10 studying your region. I am extremely fucking baffled by these results. I guess I have no reasons to work now either. Thank you, Rockford, IL for ending my illustrious career on such a fucking happy note. There’s no way the B.P.A. is going to let me practice another year with these results. Thanks, Rockford, thanks.”

If you are one of the happiest, unemployed, educated men living the life in Winnebago County, send a note, tell us what you’re doing today or tomorrow with your time:  [email protected]