by Chet Fairway | July 13, 2014 8:45 AM
Rockford, IL – Jenny Gordon woke up as a sexy unemployed lady today in The Rockford that was looking for a new city and state to call home. She composed a letter to everyone she barely knows on Facebook last night. Here is the transcript of that letter:
“Dear The Rockford,
The time for us to split ways is here. You live in misery and choose to celebrate it. I can’t tolerate you anymore. Not even God is on your side. Every music street festival is met with violent thunderstorms, because it’s God’s deliverance unto you for being very naughty to good people in the last few decades. I TOTALLY understand God’s wrath towards you.
You pretend to be proud and righteous to cover up your major faults, yet fail to realize that pride is a major sin and this is why God TOTALLY hates you. Ahahahahha. Aw. Come here, don’t cry or call me negative, let me hug you and pet your feelings. You poor, poor, extremely poor and overworked thing.
I’ve additional reasons why I’m breaking up with you, but you won’t listen nor do you care. You’re a pathetic asshole, The Rockford, and you smell like a dirty tampon. Your hygiene is horrendous.
I’d like to offer you more advice but it seems as if you have your head tucked nicely inside your asshole, The Rockford. What’s up there? What’s that you’re smelling inside yourselves? A new hotel made out of an infested building? A train line? (Oh, the train, the train! Ahahahaha, TOTALLY. A sports complex? An aquarium? An aviation school? A–hmm–a… ahahhahaha! LOL You are very naughty.
Remember when you told me about the train in the 80s, 90s, 2000s and, well, the 2010s. I heard the same about the jobs and stuff LIKE really. You are a micro-organism of your pathetic papa, Illinois, and your shady big brother, Chicago. Decades of shitty behavior, eating your own assholes. There you have it, your city and your stories are simply little pieces of your poopies falling out of your own assholes onto the good peoples at the end of the day.
Naughty, naughty Rockford. You need a scented butt plug LIKE really.
I’d tell you to go f_ck yourself, but you will regardless of my advice. You’ll end up hiring consultants from other cities in other states–again and again–to provide you the same advice I given you for free many times. However, you opt to put down your own people and do as your granddaddies did–insulate yourselves and kill off the working class. How’s that working out for you, The Rockford? You belittle us and our intelligence on a daily basis.
Lest you think our time together was entirely bad, it wasn’t. I’ll remember all the times you told me to think positive and have a nice attitude while I bent my ass over for you to f_ck me with your positivity and good attitude.
I must thank you for the unemployment checks I never wanted, the promotions I never got, the career advice to move to Chicago more than once to earn my worth, the eight layoffs and finally, the checks and payments owed for labor produced that never showed up.
You did me wrong, The Rockford–and I’ll never forget it. You are–again–an asshole with a dirty tampon hanging out of it. You need a bath, LIKE really. I’m done with you.
Enjoy the rest of your shitty, stinky, miserable and strangely proud life,
Ms. Jenny J. Gordon”
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