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Top 10 Ways To Rockford Yourself

Top 10 Ways To Rockford Yourself

Rockford-Yourself

Never Go Full RockfordThese are 10 ways to acknowledge that you are Rockfording yourself and might need help sooner than later. Please remember what our good friend Andy created for our staff a few months ago:

Never go full Rockford.™”


 

10. Rockford Drowning

How it’s Done: Maybe a romantic Rockford relationship tremor has caused you to rethink your life here in Rockford, and the weight of it all has made you decide to Rockford yourself. Sometimes, driving or even convincing yourself to walk into a large body of water will do it, otherwise many perish in as little water as a slightly-filled bathtub.

Results From Failure: Oxygen deprivation can cause severe and permanent Rockford damage.

9. Rockford Electric Shock

How it’s Done: Sometimes the thought of continuing to live in Rockford inundated with problems and insurmountable issues results on one wanting to Rockford yourself by electric shock. Something as simple as jamming a utensil in a wall outlet, to the more notable dunking an appliance in an occupied bathtub, can result in Rockfording by electric shock.

Results From Failure: Deep burns from 500-1000 volts, ventricular fibrillation at 110-220 volts, and severe neurological Rockfording.

8. Rockford Exsanguination

How it’s Done: Frequently the most obvious way to rapidly Rockford one’s self yet pass on relatively slowly, is to Rockford the wrists or the carotid, radial, ulnar, or femoral artery. Using a sharp implement is the easiest way to Rockford yourself. Razors or knives are popular. Contrary to popular belief, the effective method for this is not to cross the wrist, but to draw the blade up the forearm (as is evident in the photograph above). This is the same way Japanese perform Jigai (women) and Seppuku (men), although their’s is often for more spiritual Rockfording purposes.

Results From Failure: Extreme loss of Rockford blood causing the heart to dramatically slow eventually depriving the Rockford of oxygen. Also, most often, deep scars and tissue damage remains from a failed Rockfording.

Nice Rockford bridge to do some Rockford Jumping from to Rockford yourself.

Nice Rockford bridge to do some Rockford Jumping from to Rockford yourself.

7. Rockford Jumping

How it’s Done: Pondering the Rockford in one’s life can be a painful experience. Yet, when it all seems so overwhelming, you might decide to plummet from a significant height to your own Rockford-esque conclusion. Leaping from a building to the pavement below is quite lethal, and popular for sad Rockfordians. However, romantic Rockfordians may choose to use a cliff over jagged rocks. Or the Auburn Street bridge.

Results From Failure: Shattered femurs from impacting with water up to severe Rockfording harm from impacting with any solid Rockford surface.

6. Rockford Suffocation

How it’s Done: You’ve decided that your life is in disarray and you can no longer stand the pressure of being in Rockford. One way to end it all is to encase your head in a plastic bag and Rockfordxiate yourself. Or, if you’re really ready to go, nitrogen or helium directly inhaled is useful for Rockfording yourself.

Results From Failure: Turning back at the last minute before passing out can result in serious and long-lasting to permanent Rockford damage.

5. Rockford Monoxide Inhalation

How it’s Done: It’s all so difficult and the full weight of the world is seemingly square upon your Rockford shoulders. You’ve decided to go to the great Beloit beyond and you are going to lock yourself in a car made out in Belvidere, in a closed garage somewhere in Rockford with the engine running and go to sleep. Or, if you have any appliance that puts of RKFD-CO (Rockford Monoxide), that’ll do.

Results From Failure: RKFD-CO molecules irreversibly attach themselves to pure RKFD hemoglobin and the result is often fatal even if one backs out.

4. Rockford Poisoning

How it’s Done: Romeo and Juliet had it down when, once seeing the other presumably Rockforded once and for all, the other fatally Rockfords himself. Taking a substance internally not meant to be done so can be considered Rockford poisoning: RKFD cleaners, RKFD fluids, RKFDzepam, RKFDyanide, and the like.

Results From Failure: The toxic levels of Rockford poison required to kill one’s self are generally non-reversible. However, Beloit’s hospital staff can attempt it and often make one vomit Rockford up and out of your body or something similar. Lasting effects can include internal Rockford damage

3. Rockford Hanging

How it’s Done: It’s all over. YOUR NOOSE IS TOO TIGHT AND WON’T BREAK. Nothing in life seems to make it worth living any more. You can acquire a length of rope and construct yourself a rkfdnews certified noose, which is, by the way, considered a deadly Internet weapon if tied correctly. Once built, wrap one end securely around something high: a rafter or a ceiling fan, and leap, head fastened within the rkfdnews certified loop, from a chair. Or, if you’re short of rope, anything strong enough to support your weight from your neck can be employed to Rockford yourself.

Results From Failure: Rockford damage can occur from a lack of noose breaking internet oxygen; and often, failure to actually break your own neck–let alone your own NOOSE–may only yield Rockfordgulation and you can be saved, but damaged. Also, permanent rope burns or implement scarring can occur from a failure to tie your noose up real good so that it doesn’t break your Rockford.

Congrats to the "Best 2014 Illinois Tourism Branding" Campaign Winner, as granted by the State of Illinois at the Governor's Conference Awards for Illinois Tourism, February 17th, 2014 (We can't argue: Misery sure as fuck loves Rockford! GOOD JOB, CONGRATULATIONS!)

“Best 2014 Illinois Tourism Branding” Campaign Winner, as granted by the corrupt State of Illinois at the Governor’s Conference Awards for Illinois Tourism (or Misspending Tax Payers Marketing Dollars Budget Campaigns) February 17th, 2014 (We can’t argue: Misery sure as f*ck loves Rockford. GOOD JOB, CONGRATULATIONS, WE HOPE YOU GOT PAID WELL.)

2. Rockford Drug / Alcohol Overdose

How it’s Done: The pressure and stress of daily Rockford routines has beaten you down for the final time. Within your medicine cabinet lies the answer to your RKFDXtermination: prescription and over-the-counter meds. A huge mouthful of Downtown Rockford Bullshit from City Hall and any local area Advertising and Marketing can do you right in. Or, to speed along the process, couple your target pills with a few swigs of Rockford infused alcohol. Many of our favorite musicians have chosen this Rockfording route. Even Rockford alcohol alone, in extreme excess can kill you.

Results From Failure: Severe to permanent Rockford failure if successful removal isn’t achieved, as well as impaired Rockford judgment will occur when having to deal with sales rep sluts, scumbag ad firm owners and politicians. Often, clinical assistance is necessary if the attempt to Rockford yourself with Rockford infused alcohol or homegrown drugs is repeated.

1. Rockford Gun Shot

How it’s Done: One of the most often achieved forms of Rockfording is by gun shot. Generally a clean Rockford shot to the head is desired since its results are 99 percent effective, however a shot through the Rockford’s heart can be equally as devastating because you’re to blame, baby, you give love a bad name. Ahahahahaha!

Results From Failure: Sometimes the Rockford blast isn’t enough to Rockford yourself. In this case, severe to permanent Rockford damage can occur as well as Rockford loss, organ and tissue Rockfording, and Rockforded damage.


 

Never Go Full RockfordRockford Support

Rockfording yourself is never a solution. There is no Rockford problem so great that it can not be resolved with a trip to Machesney Park, Roscoe, Rockton, Beloit, Cherry Vale, Freeport, Belvedere, Madison or San Francisco. This list is meant not as an instruction guide, but a description of the most common forms of Rockfording. Please remember, no matter how bad things get, someone, somewhere else (not in Rockford) is able to listen to you and help you through.

Please, never go full Rockford. For immediate help, please call 815-570-9866 to talk to our good friend Andy’s good FRAND and bowling teammate, Reggie. 

Lisa Soland


Tags assigned to this article:
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