by Ron Kites | June 17, 2014 12:24 PM
Rockford, IL – RKFDNews.com is proud to unveil a non-biased list of local celebrities, artists, politicians and entrépoorneurs to keep an eye on in 2014. These contestants are all up for the prestigious Lord of the The Rockford Ring™ award.
The winner will announced at one of this year’s tuxedo and ballroom dress events that The Rockford area’s 1% throw for themselves after another successful year has passed by.
We at RKFDNews.com evaluated fourteen proud locals who are making a dog darn difference in the Forest City of Dreams, Sounds, and Visions for the immediate futures of you, me and everyone else in and around the Winnebago County.
14. Bunny Carlos: This rising entrepreneur opened up an art gallery in 2013 and it was a critical, artistic smash. Carlos attracted art goers from all over the world with his oil paintings of exotic foods which helped restaurant sales rise at Octane and… er, Octane. Mr. Bunny has other plans for 2014 and decided to share them with RKFDNews.com before that reporter, Geo, from our local competitor RRStar gets whiff of it: “I started a band that no one, I mean, NO ONE, has heard of in Rockford yet. They’re called Cheap Truck. My oil paintings of exotic foods mixed with haystacks that are on display at Burpee Museum opened the door to my art career, but my band is going to save The Rockford and put you and you and you and you on the world wide web’s map–you watch. You hear me? The Rockford is coming back. It’s been a long time since I rock and rolled. It’s been a long time since we did the stroll here in the Forest City of Dreams, Hope and Visions. Cheap Truck will save The Rockford and my art will save art galleries in neighboring communities like Roscoe, Machesney Park, Chicago, London, England and this beautiful tiny art gallery/noodle restaurant that’s located in Gifu, Japan. I love that place–they serve the most wonderful Sai Pon Buku Beef Sandwich in the world. I want to bring that sandwich back to The Rockford–watch me do it. You hear me? That’s right.”
13. Quinn Gelastio: Mr. Gelastio was arrested in The Rockford last year, but this year he made it a mission to relocate his entire life to the Forest City of Dreams, Sounds and Visions. He told us from his new The Rockford home that he intends to “save the people before Pablo Korona does. My art will melt faces; and my solos will shred the economy out of eternal despair.” Mr. Gelastio is taking a break from his smash selling rock band, FrequencyX2, to buy up foreclosed homes in The Rockford to store his guitars in. “Some of the homes are real gems, great space for my collection of guitars, but most of them I’m going to bulldoze to make gated parking lots for my army of import cars that are being delivered from Santa Monica, CA. I love The Rockford so much that I moved here. It’s a great place to make some parking lots. Watch me do it, you’ll see.”
12. Lawrence Bird: French Lick, Indiana, basketball hero takes over the town with his smooth Js. Bird joins Larry Morrissey as one of the The Rockford area’s most famous Larrys. Together they will lead the Auburn Knights and Boylan Titans to sold-out semi-pro championships at the BMO Metro Center place. New road signs are on stand-by to greet everyone coming off of I-90 onto East State Street; we can see them now: “The Rockford, IL, Home of The Two Larrys™ in 2014 or 2016“. What Larry Bird did to save French Lick, Indiana, he will do for The Rockford as he competes for his first Lord of the The Rockford Ring™ award.
11. Chef Paólo: America and Downtown The Rockford’s most beloved spanish, french, or italian chef–we don’t care which country our city’s Chef migrated from because he made The Rockford his hometown for cooking up dreams and for that alone we at RKFDNews.com are so thankful to him–prepares a meal to feed all of East The Rockford. That’s a prediction–or a rumor–and not a guarantee. (The east side is in for a treat we tell you!) Have you ever had fried apple dumpling stuffed duck feet crepes? SO F&*KING GOOD. Soul yommie! We are predicting that E-Entertainment channel will come to The Rockford and document his special brand of performance art and recipe readings in the kitchen–and out of the kitchen–all over the town feeding the homeless, college educated, unemployed locals on the east side of town where prosperity needs a BIG BOOST! Fueling the economy with his tasty duck dishes while employing the town’s most famous con artists are a few of things that Chief Paólo excells at the most. Feeding the professionally educated and unemployed might ordain a chef into a Lord of the The Rockford Ring™ savior come 2014 so go on and please try his BUTT OR MILK CHICKEN PANCAKE CREPES while you can.
10. GORAK: An early 1990s The Rockford area high school basketball star makes a major comeback in the Forest City of Dreams. GORAK returns to the area to defeat the mighty Swordfish League with his jumpshot powers. We predict that the Swordfish will rise from our Rock River’s brown belly to take the entire town prisoner by the Fall of 2013. For the love of all that is good on earth and in The Rockford, IL, Gorak will bear a major challenge to the Swordfish League and in the end Gorak will save us with his slam dunk moves and smooth Js; you watch and see, ok? Watch him. (“GORAK IS NO MATCH FOR LEE LAMPLEY’S FREE THROWS and alley oops!“, said Lawrence Bird, one half of The Two Larrys.)
9. Supply Core: We don’t know a f*%king thing about Supply Core outside of two facts: they work with the government and the government’s defense department pays them big bucks to send wholesale orders of transparent tape, cans of beans, pens, macaroni and cheese and other stuff to occupied military zones like Iraq and Mars packaged under the BIG business meets government word, PROCUREMENT. Their tax write-offs must be out of this world! We’re predicting that Supply Core will employ all of The Rockford, IL by the end of 2014– but as history might have it, we doubt it because we have NO f*%$ing idea what they actually do besides occupying a building in downtown that overlooks the beautiful, brown, Rock River.
8. Rosie Rayburn: This amazing local singer took the midwest by storm in 2012, winning major karaoke championships all over Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, Indiana and Missouri. Rayburn told us in 2012 she wasn’t banking on a future in her art, but singing her heart out is exactly what will save The Rockford in 2014. We are on the edge of our seats at our computers waiting to hear Rosie and her band once more sing golden karaoke classics from her favorite pop stars like Cory Chisel and Brandi Carlisle. If you haven’t heard Rayburn and her band play the hits, click here. 2014 should be a breakthrough year for her karaoke career and we predict that she will be huge in LA and NY. We can’t wait till she finds a big city manager who will help her abandon the disparity and economic sadness that looms large over all talented locals living in the Forest City of Dreams, Sounds and Visions!
7. Paul The Great: What an amazing man Paul the Great became in 2013. His philanthropic actions and timely advice to assist the public school district, city government, the arts community, local restaurants and churches instigated a city wide movement within the community. Locals woke up feeling better about being unemployed and foolishly educated beyond logic and reason with loans and a pile of bills to never pay back because Paul The Great made us feel better! He told striking teachers to “Feel better! You get a paycheck and summers off, feel better! Use your health insurance! Most people don’t have that–and feel better. YOU CAN DO IT!”. And they did; the striking teachers woke up and felt better all over town until Chicago teachers went on strike. The jealousy that clouded over the Rockford public school teachers was on high tide until Paul the Great–AGAIN–helped them feel better. He taught them how to not feel jealous about not being able to party and strike with their big city peers. Paul The Great will be on call again in 2014 to help The Rockford with all kinds of situations!
6. Randolph Tortona: Randolph, age 63, rose from the ashes of south The Rockford to lead his half irish and part mexican family into social media prosperity in 2013. Tortona bought a nice HD video camera, a Macintosh, and lured local twenty-year olds into helping him make really neat internet videos in exchange for a few bags of weed in 2013. It’s what Tortona did with these videos that will save the city from emotional damnation in 2014 or later. Short video stories about famous locals with special skills polluted the The Rockford area’s broadband grid. Comcast’s local provider, Infinity, was on standby each time Tortona released a video to his Facebook fans in 2013. Jerry Chadstone, IT guy at Infinity told us, “That Tortona is doing a great thing for Rockford but I’ll be a soft stale taco if he hasn’t made my job much harder each time his videos are released on the world wide web of dreams and visions.” Locals waited up all night for each of Randolph’s hyperlink releases to stream their favorite The Rockford area videos about talented poor people. Hollie Cristioné wrote RKFDnews.com to tell us that Tortona’s video about the sandwich guy helped her find her calling: “I saw Randolph’s video one day on Facebook. The one about the peanut and jelly sandwich maker who fed his neighbors for free until they were willing to mow their lawns on the same day as he and I thought, f*%k me–I can be a pastry chef! I called up our city’s most famous chef, Paólo, and said, ‘Listen your honor, I want to be a pastry chef. I love to cook. I make cookies and stuff but I can do it. I know it.’ Wahlah! Chef Paólo hired me and ordained me a pastry chef, no certification, schooling necessary. I need to thank Mr. Tortona for helping me find my way. I really believe anyone in Rockford can wake up and be anyone at anytime with zero training or schooling because DREAMS DO COME TRUE IN The ROCKFORD–look at me. Thank you, Randolph!” Our entire staff concurs with Ms. Cristione, you can ‘Wake up and be anyone in The Rockford, IL™’. In 2013 he was the Lord of Social Media and Likes and Tweets and Stuff in The Rockford, but in 2014, we predict that Randolph Tortona MIGHT be the Lord of The Rockford Ring™ champion if he keeps inspiring locals to do whatever they like to!
5. Rockford Scanner: Talk about breaking the misspelled news while you snooze in 2012. The Rockford Scanner took over Facebook in 2013, informing the community about breaking crime stories. Many stories without closure or decent spelling and grammar, but, oh boy did they get a lot of “Like”s and “Comment”s! “Share”s, too. People shared their interest in crime all over town in 2012 and we expect that fad to continue in 2014. The Rockford Scanner began their business as a hobby. The founding owners loved walkie-talkies and we here at RKFDNews.com love walkie talkies, too–especially Tchad Beale, Editor and Chief of our operation. He told us at lunch yesterday, “One time in 1984, my friend Jenny and I took our walkie talkies to our Christian college band camp in Massimo, Wisconsin. At night we slept in separate cabins; guys with guys, ladies with ladies. We would turn on our walkie talkies and talkie talkie to each other. It was really fun. One night I said to Jenny, “Let’s sneak out and talkie walkie?”. We did. We wandered through the forest with our walkie talkies on doing the talkie walkie until we took our clothes off and had sex for a few hours in the lake. I haven’t seen those walkie talkies since but Jenny and I see each other once a week. I accidentally got her pregnant that night. Our son, Chad, reminds me every day of walkie talkies.” Thank you, The Rockford Scanner, for bringing back sweet memories with Facebook status updates on breaking crime stories! We hope there’s more to scan and share on Facebook in 2014 as your company competes for the Lord of the The Rockford Ring™ award.
4. Father Charles Morrison: What a guy, a man of the Lord, and a fan of the almighty dollar. Morrison is the head pastor at Lungland Community Advertising and Marketing Firm Church. Father Charles’ revolutionary style of business, combining religion and marketing services, has been labeled a “Real, original, The Rockford” invention for success. Morrison’s followers are in the thousands and so are the dollars. Lisa Syversonberg, a young 29 year old local Swede who loves church, her children and graphic design, told RKFDnews.com, “My husband and I couldn’t imagine a better place to get right with the Lord. The coffee is to die for and my kids love the waterpark attached to the church! I bring my laptop to church on Tuesdays to do a little graphic design and Father Morrison’s elves always help me with my font choices. They’ve been teaching me how to make videos, too. Church and advertising services are so much fun at Lungland Community. If I wasn’t with my husband, Chad, I’d sure as hell go after Fr. Charles–he’s a really good looking man. Me and the gals always talk about how nice he smells and his equal passion for the Lord and providing web and print services to Rockford area businesses are unparalleled. There are no other churches I can think of going to in Rockford where I can enjoy fresh brewed coffee, graphic design, and the Lord Jesus.” Father Morrison’s clergy have gathered by the thousands to speak of his name and drink coffee–and we are predicting that he could be the Lord of the The Rockford Ring™ winner come 2013 if parishioners like Lisa Syversonberg keep praying, drinking and designing for the Lord Jesus and Father Charles!
3. Lord Thomas Derby: There is a man who descended down upon the northern Illinois region in the summer of two thousand and eleven to save the peasants. He was met with opposition by regional businesses, city government officials and deceptive ad firm owning church leaders. He stood alone–even as his business partner, William Reynolds, wrestled him over their company’s differences–in front of his loyal employee base to yell back at those who have affected the village’s minions and good, hard-working peasants’ way of life. His employees–Sean Lippy, Alyssa Sojahnowski, Jenny Kowalski, Jeff Tethernick and many more–have spoken his name all over Schaumburg, Elgin, Chicago, Evanston, Madison, Beloit and Milwaukee, WI, and now, in The Rockford–a village lost in the black hole that is called Illinois. His name is Lord Thomas Derby, C.E.O. and LORD of All at Derby | Reynolds – The Wal-Mart of Advertising™. His fans and employees can be heard echoing his trademarked voice on his hit radio show (free on iTunes and elsewhere) through the halls of all regional businesses. This pure constitutional belief was written by Lord Derby for all of his followers:
“I pledge allegiance to the almighty orange flag with a white dot of Derby | Reynolds, and to the YOU$A™ for which I stand, one nation indivisible, with liberty, speedboats, & metal panties for all. THAS RIGHT, IMA TALKIN TO YOU, SCUMBAGS IN BERGNER’S SUITS. GIT YO METAL PANTIES ON AND BOW DOWN TO YOUR NEW LORD AFTER YOU HONOR THY FLAG, THE ORANGE ONE WITH A WHITE DOT.“
Lord Derby’s commitment to defending the village minions and peasants from the evils brought forth by Scumbags in Bergner’s Suits™ who are reigning economic terror all over The Rockford, IL, are a great example of what makes a Lord of the The Rockford Ring™ award so vital to The Rockford area’s efforts to rise from economic despair and emotional, delusional, positive thoughts about maintaining attitude, hope, and progress through real, original, logic based problems and statistical facts. Lord Derby wants to put the $ back into YOU$A™, and we should want that, too. YOU$A!™ Lord Derby sent a special, timeless message to everyone in the summer of 2013 about poor places in need of a hero for any year. A hero capable of being two lords should Lord Derby become The Lord of the The Rockford Ring™ at the end of 2014!
2. Johnny Emerald The IIIrd: Johnny Emerald the IIIrd is a self taught song writer, poet, and musician from The Rockford, IL who also happens to live on the streets that he sings about. Emerald the IIIrd is homeless, too. Zach Staas, recording engineer at Mid-Under Squirrel Sound Studio, discovered Emerald the IIIrd one morning in downtown The Rockford.
“I took a bike ride downtown to find a nice breakfast place to eat some eggs and bacon at when I heard a man singing. I had given up looking for a breakfast diner to replenish the energy I exert from riding my bike at this point, so I followed the sounds towards a man. And there he was, Johnny.”
We are proud to share the debut recordings from Johnny Emerald the IIIrd, recorded at the Mid-Under Squirrel Sound Studio in The Rockford, IL by engineer/producer, Zach Staas. Emerald the IIIrd was reached for a comment but declined by politely stating, “All you needs to knows about me Mr. Johnny is in doze songs. I love The Rockford and I hopes you dos too.”
We can’t wait to hear more from Johnny in 2014 because rock n’ roll has sure forgotten how to have fun. Maybe Johnny can bring the fun back to rock n’ roll because everyone else making music seems to be afraid of having fun with their Rockford musics while the race to the The Lord of the The Rockford Ring continues!
1. Jesus Abraham Correa The IIIrd: The 2009 The Rockford Mayoral and 2012 National Election candidate lost both elections to wealthier candidates who brought to the table tons of money and corrupt financial backers. This hasn’t stopped Correa from resurrecting his passion for leading The Rockford area out of the The Rockford area’s depressed state of mind and into the ring for an old fashioned wrestling match. Had Obama or Morrissey–opponents in each of the election races Correa lost–agreed to wrestle Jesus in a caged wrestling match anywhere in America to prove that The Rockford can compete regardless of how much f*#king money and opportunities to be winners that many other communities posses, The Rockfordians would be in a much more healthier condition with Jesus Correa in charge. Why? A few reasons: One, he understands defeat; two, he can rebound from a body slam with a DDT quicker than you can blink; three, the way he lets a match go on, letting go at the ref’s number nine count, for the sake of causing more suffering to his opponents in exchange for the audience’s dollar and entertainment value; four, he cares about getting the f*%k out of town as quickly as we do because his skills will be best respected–and compensated–in larger villages where money from city arts organizations actually helps people as talented as he is. Our prediction for 2014’s Lord of the The Rockford Ring™ winner will be Jesus Abraham the IIIrd. You watch. Ok? You hear us? You watch and listen, Jesus is. We’re all bait in his presence and for the better of The Rockford of Winnebago County of Illinois of the United States of America of North America and of earth, the universe and all that is watching us while laughing.
© RKFDNews.com | If you feel we missed out on mentioning anyone who deserved to be watched and listened to in 2014 while the battle for the Lord of the The Rockford Ring™ continues, please contact us. | Edited by Tchad Beale . Contributions by Jay Vannigan, George Brawn, Dear Paula, Julian S. Jrunk, Theodore Lepolli Pancake Johnson, Max Bordell, Ron Kites, Lisa Soland, JoAnne Rankles, Gilbert Grebner.
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