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RKFDnews has single, married, hetero, homo, trans, mexican, italian, irish, african, chinese, japanese, korean, indian, bosnian, russian, french and a few other job openings for all of you who are interested in working in all of our noose departments.  Note, no swedish or polish job openings are available.  Sorry, try The Rockford City Hall.

Job requirements are:

  • Must be able to type 1-10 words per minute and lie like a politician
  • Must be able to compose articles that make no sense or if you have a point to make and you need to tell the truth, make sure it’s tucked between the lines or hidden with lies
  • Must be able to spell incorrectly or make up new words for dramatic effects
  • MUST ABUSE ALL-CAPS LOCK BUTTON WHEN YOUR HEART TELLS YOU TO WHISPER YOUR TRUEST FEELINGS IN WORDS #ELOHEL HAHAHA
  • Must be able to form complete sentences without using periods or whatever
  • Must love Rockford and the surrounding regions enough to hate everyone equally
  • Must be up-to-date or at least able to predict which politicians and local scumbag leaders are going to pull the wool over the town so that you can attack them with the truth, which no one will care about anyway because Rockford is so poor and complacent
  • Must be able to unedit and misspell your own work to mess with readers who will leave comments like, “THIS IS STUPID. LEARN HOW TO SPELL.”
  • Must be able to casually know how to borrow photos from all over the internet to dress up your stories unless you want to waste more time taking your own landline photos to share on the internets
  • Must realize that the satire law in the U.S.A. covers you to some degree if you know how to use your words well enough to f**k with people who will believe every lie you publish and doubt the strongest of truths
  • Must be able to work from a Rockford downtown coffee shop where you can research people who talk about making Rockford better with their silly little civic pride campaigns and artsy events but are simply out to drink coffee all day, do nothing, be seen talking and stuff and then spread lies by abusing the community’s emotions with state and federal grants
  • Must possess anti-social-media skills
  • Must like colons, breasts, testicals–all genitals are accepted
  • Must enjoy late periods, semi-colons and erections that last longer than 4 hours
  • Must enjoy not getting paid yet for anything written until our staff relocates to another state and town to acquire advertisers that will pay all of us to still make fun of Rockford, but you also must be willing to accept that that may never happen and we will die here, poor and hungry but loved

We are a premier online noose publication specializing in breaking the noose for those that can’t.  If you’re still confused, hang in there–you’ll get it. Please contact us below to work for free!

4 comments

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  1. Paul Sarlo 6 April, 2014, 07:28

    I am extremely interested in writing for the rockford thing. I am 40 years old, balding but with long white trashy hair, I still wear concert t-shirts or no shirts, I call my mother “Ma” and I’ve been convicted of possession and distribution of meth multiple times. I grew up as an affluent east sider, but due to drink and drugs I’ve become a west side native. My girlfriend is a peroxide blonde and named “Tammy” and has has 3 kids and has had 9 abortions. She likes curio cabinets and precious moments figurines and I have only been arrested for hitting her 4 times. The farthest I have been from my home was a trip to Chicago to see a bears game, and I spent the entire time muttering racial epitaphs under my breath and yelling “Y’all need to get Jesus!” at people I felt were judging me.

    I am the embodiment of all that is Rockford Illinois. So hire me already, fag.

    Reply this comment
  2. enrique 4 February, 2014, 19:36

    im also named enrique and have very mustachee
    resume:
    – 2 years experience lookong at cat pictures
    – 15 years torturing people
    im available

    Reply this comment
  3. Mikey Jeneglianosen 10 January, 2014, 17:01

    I could definitely be the best writer on your staff. As a 3rd generation Italian or 4th generation Swede, I specialize in Rockford business stuff. If you are looking for someone who knows how to speak with words, through my hands, and on to computers; I’m your man. I also know advanced punctuation techniques (i.e. half-colons, regular colons, double apostrophe, andpurseands, this thing ^, † [jesus dashes], and 10 more).

    I have run many successful restaurants and bars and hired all of the hottest girls for many weeks at a time (they have since closed due to Rockford being bad at knowing what good food and beers taste like and then writing stupid reviews on internet websites). I know how to communicate with my feelings, and my words. I have three children that love Rockford too. Two of them go to Boylan, and one is a junior with a 2.3 gpa at NIU. I don’t know what a wordpress is, but I have gone to godaddy.com to look at the sexy pictures of Danica and her fast local race car.

    I have 2 years experience facebooking, and 6 months experience twittering. I’m also trying to get better at formatting my paragraphs so the content makes sense and doesn’t jump from a bunch of different subject matters between them. I’m also a local musician and had a band that played at bar 3 back in the early 2000’s, we were called Candle Riot. I still have a few EP’s left if you are interested in buying one.

    I hope that there is a position open for a local Rockford business man who knows a thing or two about how the Rockford business community functions. If you need to get ahold of me, you can find me at Jimmy Johns on Perryville on Tuesday afternoons, or Heartland Community Church on Wednesday through Saturdays. I’m gonna be busy with my wife on February 14th, so I hope that isn’t a problem (She wants to have another little Titan 😉 😉 😉 ) Please hire me. Please.

    Reply this comment
  4. Violet 9 January, 2014, 18:20

    Greetings! I’m currently sitting at the Starbucks on Perryville, still in boisterous mourning after reading on this site that within a mere few weeks, it will be no longer. Upon hearing the noose, I have been here night and day, hunched over my iPad, sipping my tall americano, no espresso, extra water, three splendas, extra whip–trying to savor Starbucks to every last drop.

    Doing this day in and day out for the entirety of SOP’s hours of operation is a tiring job. And seeing as it’s closing in February anyway (*moment of silence*)–I’m looking for a new position. After reading the RKFDNEWS requirements on this page, I am confident I would be an excellent addition to the team.

    My passion for Rockford is immeasurable. I moved back here from Southern California last month (right next to Disneyland—that’s right, the alleged “happiest place on earth” pff yeah right–RFD holds that title) purely in order to dwell once again in the city I never stopped loving. Since moving back, I have been rediscovering the hip charming nooks and crannies of this incredible land and I am sure that I will never stop enjoying the exploration.

    This raw naive appetite for all stateline headlines, in addition to being able to type 1,000 wpm, my fair to above average efficiency on two or three social networking platforms, experience as a high schol noosepaper eiditer, and my love for the end of the digestive system, all points to one-thing: I am an ideal intern for you publication.

    While here, I am staying in my 2800 sq. ft. childhood home that I can’t sell because the housing market is crap; this gives me plenty of space and time to work from home–in all directions. But if you do need me to travel about town, I’m borrowing my Aunt Rene’s 2000 VW Cabrio–the car’s name is Olive.

    I don’t feel comfortable accepting money for my labor–“When a man pulls out money away from a register, I have to wonder.” This is 2014. I am a woman and I have my rights.

    Please let me know if there is any work you can throw my way. Looking forward to hearing from you.

    Cheers!
    Violet Knight.

    P.S. –To be honest, I don’t really care for my time of the month–or my fellow womanly comrades in their respective cyclical struggle. Period. I hope this point of view isn’t a problem in my application.

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