Post-Haste Grump-Core Knew-Metal Drummer Takes Control of Rockford Music Scene

20 Sep, 2016

Print this article Font size -16+

Ricky Klan performed a ritual that hasn’t been seen since the 90’s to gain control over the entire Rockford music scene. The final blood sacrifice was completed early in the afternoon on September 17th. We do not have complete details of the requirements for the ritual, but we know that it involves geese genocide combined with ambiguous threats via social media users.

Mr. Klan is the drummer for a metal band whose name hasn’t been determined yet due to the design ornamentation of the band’s logo. He has already banned twenty-seven bands from performing in Rockford ever again—including Cheap Trick. Klan is banning rock groups that choose to perform original songs while practicing political correctness.

Ricky stated that he wants “a fertile music scene that supports civic pride racism, geese genocide, tee shirt sales, internet marketing, and belittles women and men for wearing tight, bedazzled jeans similar to what the people have in Belvidere and Roscoe. Rockton, too, bruh.“

Klan may have struck a mighty blow to respectable musicians in the Rockford region, but the internet has already started the slow, painful process of tearing him into a new, digital a$$hole- not to be confused with the Rockford band, New Digital @$$Hºlé.

We hope Rockford can destroy this monster on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook, so that each of us can make Rockford great again for America on the Internet.

— Chaz