Rockford Asks, “Why Don’t We Get a Fancy Pipeline?”

02 Nov, 2016

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The controversial construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline is a call to action for many environmentally conscious Facebookers. You’ve probably noticed many of your Facebook friends have ‘checked in’ at the Indian Rock Standing Reservation, while it’s more likely that your friends are at 2nd Cousins Bar and Grill, where you don’t need reservations. Digitally, they are in North Dakota, getting baked in a teepee.

With this kind of internet attention, Rockford had to ask, “Why can’t we have an oil pipeline here?”  

Rockford shares many similarities with the Indian Rock Standing Reservation. We both have high levels of poverty and unemployment and we’re both plagued by substance abuse. Our differences are what ultimately make Rockford a better choice to lay pipe in. We do not share the same appreciation for the Earth as Native Americans do. In fact, we don’t care what gets in our water because chances are it’s not worse than what we already have.

There are no plans to build a pipeline through Rockford currently, but Mayor Berry has proposed, “That We build one anyway and see what happens! We don’t even need to fill it. It can remain empty and we can rack in the cash from these protest tourists. I just need to call Julie, to see where we can dig.”

Construction of a pipeline in Rockford would be quite an ecological upset. Rockford is the number one goose breeding sight in the world. Each year, millions of Canadian geese visit downtown Rockford to have sex in public. Our source at the RGA (The Rockford Goose Alliance) told us, “This is all the work of the anti-goose cabal, a secret group of goose haters that want to gentrify Rockford with white swans.” 

Mayor Berry has asked anyone who wants to transform Rockford into a tourist destination to grab a shovel and head down to the bike path and start digging. Alternatively, Grab a shovel and dig yourself a grave.

 Yes, we brought it back to geese again.