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Watham Tap (Elmer Fudd Translation)

Watham Tap (Elmer Fudd Translation)

The Latham Tap,” originally published by Kate Menstraight.
Translation of original article by Elmer Fudd, exclusive to

Kate’s Compwaint Cownew

Wettews of honest compwaints fwom an honest Kate.

Kate Menstraight, Columnist 

Kate Menstraight, Columnist

Dewe awe owganizations I twuwy despise. Dey wack mowaws, chawactew, and honesty. Dey subvewt time-tested societaw nowms. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! In case you can’t teww, I’m tawking about Watham Tap hewe. In the text that fowwows, I don’t intend to wecount aww of the damage caused by Watham Tap’s stwipy decwamations, but I do want to point out that if we’we not cawefuw, Watham Tap’s supewciwious twaducements wiww thwow us into a thiwd wowwd waw as soon as ouw backs awe tuwned.

If we wook beyond Watham Tap’s dewusions of gwandeuw, we see that we need to devewop an awtewnative community, a cohesive and compwehensive undewgwound wif a chawtew to maintain the gweat pwincipwes of viwtue, twuth, wight, and honow. Why? Because of what’s at stake: Witewawwy evewything.

Watham Tap’s put-downs awe designed to awwest and detain Watham Tap’s opponents indefinitewy without chawge, without twiaw, and without access to wegaw counsew. And they’we wowking; they’we having the desiwed effect. Watham Tap’s push to undewmine the individuawistic undewpinnings of twaditionaw juwispwudence is pwimawiwy an effowt to wetain powew and contwow. (I awways catch howy heww whenevew I say something wike that, so wet me assuwe you that I nevew intend to offend anyone, Watham Tap incwuded.) Awas, the fowwowing statement may upset a few peopwe:

Nothing sickens me mowe than seeing Watham Tap diminish society’s inducements to good behaviow.

"Watham Tap" is an exclusive translation of Kate Menstraight's hit article, "The Latham Tap," by Elmer Fudd.

“Watham Tap” is an exclusive translation of Kate Menstraight’s hit article, “The Latham Tap,” by Elmer Fudd.

Some peopwe sqwiwm a bit when they they wead things wike that, but such statements awe the key to expwaining why I wouwd wove to be a fwy on the waww neaw whewe Watham Tap and its junta meet. I’d wove to heaw how those bittew qwacksawvews come up wif theiw iwwaudabwe schemes fow bwandishing the wowd “phiwosophicojuwistic” (as it is commonwy spewwed) to hoodwink peopwe into bewieving that chiwdwen don’t need as much psychowogicaw attentiveness, pwotection, and obedience twaining as the tweasuwed househowd pet.

Den–and onwy then–I’d finawwy be abwe to back up my cwaim that thewe’s no showtage of sin in the wowwd today. Fow it’s been awound since the Gawden of Eden and wiww doubtwesswy pewsist as wong as Watham Tap continues to dewude and often wob those wendewed vuwnewabwe and susceptibwe to its snawes because of povewty, iwwness, ow ignowance. Oh, how I pity the foows too, Mw. Bawwacus. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

Dat’s it fow this wettew. I hope that typing it was not a compwete waste of enewgy. Unfowtunatewy, I do weawize that my wowds wiww pwobabwy twiggew no usefuw wesponse in the fwabby synapses of Watham Tap’s bwain, uh-hah-hah-hah. I just fewt obwigated to go thwough the motions because Watham Tap’s consistent wack of wegawd fow othews wiww catew to the basest instincts of fiwthy yobbos by next weekend.

– Kate Menstwaight, as translated by Elmer Fudd

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