Rockford – Wendy’s Restaurant Under Fire for “Ginger Discrimination”

29 Aug, 2016

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Rockford, IL — Edgebrook Center, on the East side of Rockford, is cleaning up the ashes from last week’s Ginger Lives Matter riot. The riot, which took place after sunset on Saturday, is the first violent demonstration from the GLM, a social media movement that originated on the internet—also located on the East side of Rockford. Edgar Schwartz, a gross, pasty ginger, was denied employment at the Bell School Road’s Wendy’s, because of his hair color and freckled, translucent skin.

Edgar Schwartz wearing a super cool dragon shirt. photo curtosy of okcupid.com

Schwartz’s story immediately went viral on the east side’s internet. Rockford’s GLM population refilled their inhalers, velcroed up their shoes and took to the streets to help make Rockford great for America Satan on the internet again.

37 social media profiles were killed and over 60 were blocked in the ensuing violence.  There is no estimated total on the amount of profiles that have been deactivated, but Facebook authorities have told RKFDnews that it’s in the thousands and counting upwards.

Angry gingers gathered outside of the Edgebrook Center Wendy’s, which is still under construction. (Exactly where Mary’s Market used to be.) GLM members chanted in unison, “Laudate quadratum caro. Revertere in mari Rubro usque ad infernum seductor.” Our in-house RPS 205-educated translator says, “It’s Latin for: “Square patties won’t save you. Your frosties will burn in Hell,” or something to that effect. I don’t know. All know is that the free wireless is fast as hell in Rockford.“

GLM members never saw what was about to happen to them while chanting in their native Latin language according to witnesses on the east-side’s internet who spread the news all over their Rockford Scanner’s Facebook page:

The soul-less offspring of Lucifer rose from the ashes of ye ol’ Mary’s Market, now a Wendy’s, and summoned flames. Flame-broiled burgers and fried chicken sandwiches rose 50 feet in the air to engulf the entire shopping mall, including most of the GLM members.

RDP (Rockford Dream Police) and RDFD (Rockford Dreams’ Free Destroyers) soon arrived on the scene. The fire was put out, but not before causing extensive damage to the mall, the east side internet, and everyone’s online reputations.

Cops rounded up the remaining gingers, who were too fat to run, and subdued them with wedgies and purple nurples. Many captured gingers— still speaking in tongues and completely uncooperative—would never have been identified if it wasn’t for the names written with silver sharpie markers on the tags of their underwear.

Randall Ward, Wendy’s Head of Internet Correctness announced, “We’ve started training management at all of our Rockford locations to be tolerant of all races, life-styles and payment methods, including LINK, even if they’re truly disgusting or unhygienic. We will help them acquire the bars of soaps they need.  Irish Spring Soap makes a fine bar.  It will clean up Rockford, its people and its internet; most importantly, it will spur our local economy   Soap needs us, and we need soap.  We, here at Wendy’s, do not wish to invoke the wrath of Satan again. We will do anything it takes to make Rockford great for Satan on the internet again.” 

You will definitely learn more about this terrible event when we know less.

– Chaz “Jet Lag” Stalmach