RHA Rezones The Entirety of Rockford As Section 8, Renames City RHAckford

05 Jun, 2015

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Rockford, IL –

The plan to build 70 apartments for low-income residents on the city’s east side has transformed into an entirely new project.  In early 2016, Rockford’s city leaders will sell the entire city to the Rockford Housing Authority for $1.  All businesses, residences, parks and roadways within the city limited will be government subsidized and run by the Illinois Housing Development Authority.  Rahm Clawer, RHA director, also plans to change the name of the city to Rhackford.

“Our city has had a long history of segregation, and the fear of crime has been a central issue,” said Clawer.  “This move will help us spread that fear around much more equally,” said Clawer.  “You can’t assert that housing for rich people should be any different than for people who are poor.  Poor people deserve all the same things as rich people.  That’s the Rhackford way.”

The IL Housing Development Authority has defined the whole city as an “opportunity area,” a location that can absorb unlimited low-income housing due to its already low standards.  City Council voted 13-1 to approve the measure.

Clawer continued, “Saturating the entire metropolitan area with unemployment and poverty is the goal, so that no single section of Rhackford will be more or less poor.”

Current “Rockford” residents were unavailable for comment, as they had all moved to other cities by publication time.

Further changes to be made in 2016:

All currency will be replaced by EBT/Link cards.  Cash, credit and debit cards will no longer be accepted.  

All new and existing business will be required to install a minimum of five video gambling machines.

Magic Waters will be rebranded as “Magic Waters Needle Exchange.”

Cigarettes will no longer be sold by the pack, and will only be available as singles, or “loosies.”

All dogs breeds other than pit bulls will be banned by city ordinance.

Downtown’s City Market will be replaced by a weekly”Rhackford Swap Meet.” RAD will provide custom screen printed ski masks.