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Black Bear Lassoed, Shot 4 Times, Escapes – Rockford Prays for Safety
Rockford, IL – A Black Bear was discovered roaming through Rockford, IL today. It was finally tracked down in the parking lot of the Garrison School Lofts on 1105 N Court St. near North Main Street. Non-coincidently, The Garrison Lofts are also owned by the mayor of Rockford or his family–no one knows because it was passed off to the city to take care of this past week.
The black bear was initially reported to be hungry. It was spotted in nearby neighborhood yards feasting on trees with berries or trash cans with leftover pizza scraps. As the day progressed, the black bear decided to go on the war path while seeking out all the properties owned by the mayor of Rockford and anyone connected to him.
The black bear found the Garrison Loft properties before midnight tonight and began knocking on windows for a bathroom to use. The Rockford Dream Police was called immediately.
Sgt. Lorenzo showed up with his friends immediately and lassoed the bear down to the ground. They shot him 4 times but the bear growled and said, “Ra ra ra ra ra! Andy Whorehall Ahahhahaha! Lord Thomas Derby! Ahahahha! Johnny Emerald The IIIrd! Ra ra ra ra ra! You think I am black bear! I am simply a bear! I come for my land! Eat my big black bear d**k Rokefart, Illannoy!!! Ra ra ra ra ra.”
Oh God. The black bear escaped from the Rockford Dream Police.
Meanwhile, the city sleeps in terror tonight while the nation’s media awaits to shine another poor light on Rockford which will give every single one of our city’s civic pride prophets a reason to tell us to believe in feeling better about the black bear tomorrow.
You will learn more when the black bear returns to take its land back or eat you, Rockford.
– Tchad Beale
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