Portillo’s Rally Largest Political Event In City History

02 Jul, 2014

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Rockford citizens rally for a shared social concern

Rockford, IL –  The Transfat Rockford Group is holding a “Visioning Rally and Eat-in” today in Sinnissippi Park.  As of print time, over 11,000 activists, beef enthusiasts, and type 2 diabetics carrying signs and wearing oversized t-shirts reading things such as “BRING PORTILLO’S TO ROCKFORD,” “SEND MY $$$ TO BOSTON” and “NUMMY NUMMY” were at the rally, making it the most attended political event in the history of the Forest City.

“When we heard that Portillo’s Restaurant Group was scouting locations in Rockford, we knew that the Facebook pages, online petitions, and websites were getting noticed,” said Transfat Rockford Group Chair Todd Faarge. “Clearly, it was time to make an even larger effort to mobilize the city’s political activists and show Portillo’s that we are [expletive deleted] serious. That’s why we are encouraging all Rockfordians that are passionate about Portillo’s food to fire up their Rascals or ask their friend for a ride and get to Sinnissippi Park!  Bring as many bags of fast food as you can carry or drag. Our plan is to stand … or sit … or lie down in this park and eat fast food until Portillo’s agrees to occupy Rockford.  All this money – or at least all these Link Card points- could be YOURS, Portillo’s, but you weren’t here!”

“It’s absolutely vital that a Portillo’s location – if not seven or eight – be opened in Rockford,” rally attendee Tammy Bone said between bites of Taco Bell Waffle Taco, “Have you ever tried an Italian beef or hot dog or pile of smothered fries from any of the literally dozens of locally owned establishments in town?  Sure, it may be the exact same ingredients prepared in the exact same way, but where’s the fun? Where’s the worldly allure? When I’m swallowing a hot dog buried in slimy onions and dayglow-green relish whole, I want to know that my money is being shipped off to a faux-diner division of a Boston-based restaurant conglomerate! It just FEELS better. It’s exotic… metropolitan, even.”

RKFD News also contacted the office of Rockford Mayor, Larry Morrissey.  Unfortunately, we called during one of the Mayor’s mid-morning Visioning Naps and he could not speak with us directly.  However, his office did issue the following statement via email after his 11:30am Visioning Nap and before his 1:30:

“In a city with so many Negative Nancies and Debby Downers, it’s wonderful to show the rest of the Country – nay – the rest of the World that Rockford is place populated with passionate, politically-minded – if obese and unemployed – citizens.  I have a Vision for this city; a Vision of a homogenized, dystopian Stepford City where the glassy-eyed, drooling populace wander aimlessly, unable to orient themselves due to a sort of ‘snow blindness’ created by an unchanging horizon endlessly pockmarked by national and multinational chain restaurants and retail outlets.  If we are going to achieve this Transformation, it is simply not enough for Rockford to be home to only McDonald’s, Arby’s, Hardee’s, Sonic, Burger King, Taco John’s, Taco Bell, Subway, Jersey Mike’s, KFC, Popeye’s, Five Guys Burgers and Fries, Wendy’s, DQ Grill & Chill, Panda Express, Steak & Shake, Chick-Fil-a, Potbelly, Noodles & Company, Panera Bread Co., and Culver’s franchises.
We NEED a Portillo’s, too.”

However, not all rallying to bring a Portillo’s franchise to Rockford would call themselves political activists.   For rally attendee Tucker Ruddslave, it’s about something else.

“This ain’t about Visionin’ or politickin.’ This is about food. I’ve lived in Rockford my whole life and all I’ve ever wanted was a place nearby where I could grab a hot dog or an Italian beef sandwich,”  the 79 year-old retired machinist paused as he reached up and wiped a single tear from his eye with a wadded McDouble wrapper, “and, frankly, Beef-a-Roo, Zammuto’s and Brooklyn Deli can go suck a dick.”

– Rance Crabtower