North Main and Riverside Construction Continues to Slow Down Drivers and Speed Up Fast Food Sales

Rockford, Illinois — Time is money. So it’s said. Road construction in Rockford, Illinois, is putting a new positive spin on the life metaphor. RkfdNews’s partners, Digging Deeper Into The Black Hole That’s Located Inside Our City’s Mind Department, has revealed that time may be money for many businesses located near the never-ending road construction on North Main and Riverside.

“People get hungry. They sit at the intersection for a few red lights, and what do they see? Subway, Culver’s Fiesta Tequila, Stockyard, McDonald’s, Pizza Hut, Burger King—hell, you like snacks? Walgreens, CVS, FasFuel and Mobile. The Grease Monkey next to Burger King has free, fresh coffee with an oil change. That’s the cool thing about living here during construction season. You have options. You don’t have to sit in your car or be wherever you have to be so soon. Take a load off. Think positive, ya know? Stop complaining. Look it’s not going away anytime soon,” said Tami Bergarelli, Illinois Department of Transportation Volunteer (IDOT-V) .

Construction on North Main and Riverside has been going on for two years. Word from local Swedish and Italian mobster-owned, city-contracted, union lawyers is that it could be going on another “nineteen years or more,” confirms Lorne McMorrisey, consigliere to the city council members and construction families.

RKFDnews asked local Swede and Italian construction bosses, “Is time money?“

“Listen. It’s Rockford, this isn’t Chicago or Stockholm. You want a road repaired in less than a year, go to Chicago. You want a road repaired in one week, go to Stockholm. Va fongool, che cazzo! We have families to raise and with high property taxes sabotaging most of us here in Rockford. So yeah, gagootz! We believe that time is money, yes. Lingenberry flapjack con tiny meatball sans sugo! You are correct, time is—in fact—money,” answered Craig Lindberg Salvatoni.

Salvatoni used to be a she. When He was a She, Craig used to go by the birth name of Frongiotzo. Her family called her Fronca for short. Fronca married Vicenzo Lindberg’s youngest son, Lucazzo, heir to the Rockford City Council Construction LLC organization. Vincenzo called Lucazzo “Luke.” Fronca and Luke had a nice life until Fronca wanted to be a He, and so he became Craig. We’re not sure about the rest. This shit is free—no one is paying for this story, and no one is helping us because Rockford is so fucking poor and unhealthy when it comes to cash flow in the community. There’s no single industry that the region identifies with besides poverty, fast food, bars, mall churches, road construction, fake hotel development, hospitals, more fast food joints and the school district. Can you blame Fronca for wanting to be Craig? We don’t. Fuck this place.

Long story short, time is money and fast food joints are making a killing from people sitting in traffic and getting hungry during the never-ending road construction near North Main and Riverside. We’ll have more on Craig and Luke, aka Fronca and Lucazzo Lindberg, later. Probably never. Why are we here? What is the point of this story? Fuck downtown Rockford—that’s right, that’s why we’re here—go fuck yourself, downtown Rockford! We’re immature, but you’re a bunch of thieves. That’s right! USA, mother fuckers!

Yeah! USA!

— Sperky Pawell