Russian Sleeper Agent Accidentally Activated at CNVR Poetry Night

13 Feb, 2016

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Rockford, IL – CNVR doesn’t seem like the kind of venue you would find a deep-cover KGB operative. This small dimly-lit art place thing is supposed to be an incubator for creativity, not espionage. However, questions can and should be raised regarding what goes on behind CNVR’s closed, repurposed doors.

One anonymous witness at last week’s “Poets Cafe” event told me, “In the middle of Willy Springhelm’s poem a woman slowly stood up, mutter some gibberish, pulled off her glasses and her dark green wig, then bolted for the door.”

I had to learn more.

I disguised myself as a photographer and entered CNVR with a blank SD card. I asked a man with a Mexican name and Russian jaw line if I could use one of their PCs to make some pictures look more Instagramy.

“Yes, young man. Make art,” he exclaimed.

A chill struck me sharply as I approached the computer. It was, of course, a cold draft most likely caused by the crumbling reconstruction of the old building, but there was something else:  I’d never seen a computer like the one in front of me.

It had no brand name on it, but the back of the monitor was adorned with a partially consumed apple.

CNVR Staff: KGB Sleeper Agents in Rockford?

The operating system was quite foreign to me. Was this a spy computer?

I managed to find an audio recording of the night’s events deep within the Russian built machine. I reviewed it thoroughly. During Springhelm’s poem, he says, “Waiting for the parade in obscurity and never seen or felt again. Floating penguins encircles countries Kingdoms and corn dogs.”

A woman’s voice can be heard softly saying, “Preobrazovaniye Polnoye mestonakhozhdeniye tsel,” which differs from our anonymous source’s interpretation.  What our anonymous source, Tommy Ronnson, claimed was “gibberish,” roughly translates to, “transformation complete locating target.”  You do the math. These are the facts people, and Tommy Ronnson is a God damn dirty liar.

Local feminist and suspected KGB agent, Anna Peterson, was not seen again.

It is our unfounded belief that CNVR is using foreign technology to record much of the Rockford area population for unknown reasons. “WTF” is what I say people.

WTF:  CNVR, KGB?

You will learn more when we know less. Your new friend,

– Hank