Breaking News

Russian Sleeper Agent Accidentally Activated at CNVR Poetry Night

Russian Sleeper Agent Accidentally Activated at CNVR Poetry Night

Rockford, IL – CNVR doesn’t seem like the kind of venue you would find a deep-cover KGB operative. This small dimly-lit art place thing is supposed to be an incubator for creativity, not espionage. However, questions can and should be raised regarding what goes on behind CNVR’s closed, repurposed doors.

One anonymous witness at last week’s “Poets Cafe” event told me, “In the middle of Willy Springhelm’s poem a woman slowly stood up, mutter some gibberish, pulled off her glasses and her dark green wig, then bolted for the door.”

I had to learn more.kgb-cnvr-rockford-poetry

I disguised myself as a photographer and entered CNVR with a blank SD card. I asked a man with a Mexican name and Russian jaw line if I could use one of their PCs to make some pictures look more Instagramy.

“Yes, young man. Make art,” he exclaimed.

A chill struck me sharply as I approached the computer. It was, of course, a cold draft most likely caused by the crumbling reconstruction of the old building, but there was something else:  I’d never seen a computer like the one in front of me.

It had no brand name on it, but the back of the monitor was adorned with a partially consumed apple.

CNVR Staff:  KGB Sleeper Agents in Rockford?

CNVR Staff: KGB Sleeper Agents in Rockford?

The operating system was quite foreign to me. Was this a spy computer?

I managed to find an audio recording of the night’s events deep within the Russian built machine. I reviewed it thoroughly. During Springhelm’s poem, he says, “Waiting for the parade in obscurity and never seen or felt again. Floating penguins encircles countries Kingdoms and corn dogs.

A woman’s voice can be heard softly saying, “Preobrazovaniye Polnoye mestonakhozhdeniye tsel,” which differs from our anonymous source’s interpretation.  What our anonymous source, Tommy Ronnson, claimed was “gibberish,” roughly translates to, “transformation complete locating target.”  You do the math. These are the facts people, and Tommy Ronnson is a God damn dirty liar.

Local feminist and suspected KGB agent, Anna Peterson, was not seen again.

It is our unfounded belief that CNVR is using foreign technology to record much of the Rockford area population for unknown reasons. “WTF” is what I say people.

WTF:  CNVR, KGB?

You will learn more when we know less. Your new friend,

– Hank


Tags assigned to this article:
cnvrhankkgbpoetryrockford

Related Articles

Elderly Woman Stabbed on Far West Side

At least 14 pieces of toast were battered this morning and one elderly woman named Vince was stabbed on the

Popular Rockford Band Signs With RCA Records

Rockford, Illinois – Local rock n’ roll musicians who go by the name, Name The Moon, has signed with RCA Records.

1+1=11 Proud to be born and raised in Rockford Tee Shirt Campaign!

We must sell 24 shirts by August 18th, 2014 to make this a dream shirt come true. The Rockford, IL,

No comments

Write a comment
No Comments Yet! You can be first to comment this post!

Write a Comment

Thank you for spending time with us on the internet. Please waste more time and energy by sharing your internet emotions below:

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.