Mitt Romney Promises To End Cheetos Epidemic

Mitt Romney Promises To End Cheetos Epidemic

Mutt Ramney (© Jaym-Z45 on For That Beauty) May have a 5 point plan to end the Great Cheetos Epidemic of 2012.

Rockford, IL – For those who witnessed the second presidential debate last night there were many important topics on their mind. Not only ones that we are dealing with as a nation but also ones that affect us here, in our local community. One such topic is the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Epidemic of 2012.

If you have not heard, Rockford, IL was recently featured in a piece on ABC News about the devouring of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos by adolescents around the state line. Over 150,000 bags were sold in Rockford Public schools just last year alone. The snack-sized bags pack over 26 grams of fat. The concern is their nutritional value, and according to local administrators, had to be banned. As we all know the snack habits of children are far more important than their abilities in math, science, and the arts.

With this “hot topic” pushed to the forefront of the political debate, both candidates came out swinging. Not wanting to be shown up, Mitt Romney proposed a 5 point plan to end the Great Cheetos Epidemic of 2012.

“We have to focus on the children, because they are our future,” Romney proclaimed. “I see what is going on in towns around the nation. Just yesterday a young boy named Jamale (Pronounced like the very popular food, ‘Tamale,’ but with a J) from Rockford, Illinois came up to me with orange fingers. He looked to me with pain in his eyes. I could see he had become a cheetos addict. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the guy. I didn’t shake his hand because of all the crap he had smeared all over it, but I did tell him to be strong, and that the Republican Party would fix this great injustice.”

Romney’s 5 point plan is very vague, but we do know a few things. First he plans on removing the phrase “Flamin’ Hot” from the bag. His reasoning is simply that love for a snack should be between a man and a woman and the word “Flamin” has other implications. Secondly, he has hinted that anyone who is seen eating the flamin’ hot cheetos should be deported to southern schools. His reasoning was, “Well, they know how to deal with these kinds of things.” Finally, he proposed to make the snack cost $100 per bag, in order to stimulate the economy.

Mitt Romney explained a bit more about the economic impact after the debate. “Hopefully fools will know when to quit and not spend all their Link money on Cheetos. But if not, we will take their bad decisions and roll them into capital. We all benefit. This is a nation that is searching for answers. And one of those answers is our ability as a free market nation to force low-income families with no other options to purchase Flamin’ Hot Cheetos at epic price points,” Romney said with a smirk and a few uncomfortable nods.

However, not everyone wants their Flamin’ Hot Cheetos regulated. There was a massive uprising on with many Cheetos fanatics promising violent reactions, should Romney be elected. Someone named I_B_New_York twatted, “I be usin’ close to $200 of food stamps on Flamin’ Hot Cheetos…Romney don’t take that away…70% of America will assassinate your promises with tweets and twats.” Another twatt by Jaym-Z45 read, “Vote Obama as Vice-President. Let Ramney win President. Then we fire Mutt Ramney’s ass. Obama wins anyway and we don’t have to worry about Mr. Ramney taking our Flamin’ Hot Cheetos away anymore!”

RKFD News does not endorse violent actions against anyone, especially those who look to keep us safe and without work. As disturbing as many of these twatts were last night, one has to wonder:  Did Romney just make a huge error? Will this be his ultimate undoing? Only time will tell, but for now, it looks like we have a man with a plan to end the Cheetos Epidemic that is sweeping the state line, and that man is Mitt Romney.

If you have questions about why the fu*k anyone would give a sh*t about what kids eat during lunch, give yourself a pat on the back and contact us at [email protected]

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