Breaking News

No Sidewalk Shoveling Enforcement Means Fewer Pedestrians Next Spring

No Sidewalk Shoveling Enforcement Means Fewer Pedestrians Next Spring

Nov 21, 2014
Rockford, IL —

Rockford’s City Council has once again announced that it will not enforce the sidewalk snow shoveling code for residents.  For the past several years, the city has seen increasing numbers of car-vs-pedestrian accidents, yet somehow there are still a few dozen idiots who still choose to walk to work, school, or the store.

“We keep telling people, ‘don’t shovel your sidewalks, and the problem will take care of itself’,” says Alderman Gionni Cacciatore.  “The city already plows the road – I just don’t see why these pedestrians can’t buy cars like everyone else.”

“Hell, we can barely get people to put down their phones in the roundabout, or move their cars to the odd side of the road when we plow,” added Cacciatore.  “You think we’re going to try and make them shovel their walks?  That’d be political suicide!”

Since Rockford’s ice- and snow-filled sidewalks are completely unusable during the winter months, many children walking to school, the elderly and wheelchair bound, and others that are just too stupid to own a car, will all be forced to walk in the roadway next to speeding, multi-ton automobiles.  Since a large number of them will be inevitably be hit and killed by cars, Rockford should show reduced numbers of pedestrians by 2015, making it unnecessary to shovel the sidewalk ever again.

Jim Groan at the Rockford Area Convention and Visitors Bureau says, “We entertain a lot of international travelers here in Rockford, and they are constantly amazed at the amount of people walking in our roadway.  We let them know it’s part of a larger plan to eliminate problematic pedestrians, and they seem very impressed.  Or shocked.  Honestly, I can’t really tell, since I don’t speak any foreign languages.”

The RKFDNews crew encourages you to scrape off that windshield, put the pedal to the medal and never, ever shovel your walkways.  We’re on every other top ten list in the nation — let’s all work together to make sure we’re #1 in pedestrian deaths too.

We’ll know more when you know less.


Related Articles

Rockfordians Already Living in Trump’s Hateful Reality of America for Decades

Rockford, IL — Locals aren’t surprised by this year’s national election result winner for the highest executive government job in

Sneak Peek – RKFDnews Releasing First Book

Rockford, IL – Y’all thought this was a joke. “Look at them jerking each other off behing their little computer

Rockford Homeless Man Identifies As Goose- You’ll Never Guess Why!

Rockford has been very concerned with where to poop and who to poop with recently. A problem that used to

No comments

Write a comment
No Comments Yet! You can be first to comment this post!

Write a Comment

Thank you for spending time with us on the internet. Please waste more time and energy by sharing your internet emotions below:

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.