No Sidewalk Shoveling Enforcement Means Fewer Pedestrians Next Spring

21 Nov, 2014

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Nov 21, 2014
Rockford, IL —

Rockford’s City Council has once again announced that it will not enforce the sidewalk snow shoveling code for residents.  For the past several years, the city has seen increasing numbers of car-vs-pedestrian accidents, yet somehow there are still a few dozen idiots who still choose to walk to work, school, or the store.

“We keep telling people, ‘don’t shovel your sidewalks, and the problem will take care of itself’,” says Alderman Gionni Cacciatore.  “The city already plows the road – I just don’t see why these pedestrians can’t buy cars like everyone else.”

“Hell, we can barely get people to put down their phones in the roundabout, or move their cars to the odd side of the road when we plow,” added Cacciatore.  “You think we’re going to try and make them shovel their walks?  That’d be political suicide!”

Since Rockford’s ice- and snow-filled sidewalks are completely unusable during the winter months, many children walking to school, the elderly and wheelchair bound, and others that are just too stupid to own a car, will all be forced to walk in the roadway next to speeding, multi-ton automobiles.  Since a large number of them will be inevitably be hit and killed by cars, Rockford should show reduced numbers of pedestrians by 2015, making it unnecessary to shovel the sidewalk ever again.

Jim Groan at the Rockford Area Convention and Visitors Bureau says, “We entertain a lot of international travelers here in Rockford, and they are constantly amazed at the amount of people walking in our roadway.  We let them know it’s part of a larger plan to eliminate problematic pedestrians, and they seem very impressed.  Or shocked.  Honestly, I can’t really tell, since I don’t speak any foreign languages.”

The RKFDNews crew encourages you to scrape off that windshield, put the pedal to the medal and never, ever shovel your walkways.  We’re on every other top ten list in the nation — let’s all work together to make sure we’re #1 in pedestrian deaths too.

We’ll know more when you know less.

–RKFDNews