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FBI Finally Ranks Rockford #1 as Most Dangerous American City — Congrats!
(Image Courtesy of Alexbaumgarner via Wikimedia Commons) Rockford, IL — The FBI’s 2016-2016 Uniform Crime Report was released this week. Rockford, Illinois is now the #1 most Dangerous American city based on crimes being committed with a population of 200,00 Geese
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Facebook Prayers Saved Grandma’s Life
Rockford- Betsy Stienbecker was dead. She flat-lined Saturday night surrounded by her loving family. Grandma Stienbecker had suffered a heart attack- most likely from all the Beffatillos she’d been consuming. After nearly an hour of trying to resuscitate Grandma, doctors
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Post-Haste Grump-Core Knew-Metal Drummer Takes Control of Rockford Music Scene
Ricky Klan performed a ritual that hasn’t been seen since the 90’s to gain control over the entire Rockford music scene. The final blood sacrifice was completed early in the afternoon on September 17th. We do not have complete details
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Rockford Homeless Man Identifies As Goose- You’ll Never Guess Why!
Rockford has been very concerned with where to poop and who to poop with recently. A problem that used to be so simple… You got giblets- poop over there. You got a dangler- poop over here. I went out for
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8 Dead, 15 Injured After Local Musician Discovers New McDonalds Sandwich
“I warned Him. I told him,‘You don’t know how the internet will react if you post that picture. People could get hurt…’ He just didn’t care.” -Terry Dactyl Rockford, IL— On the evening of September 9th, 2016, a local musician—who
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Rockfordian Shares Brilliant Marketing Strategy With Reddit… and We Share Too!
This Rockfordian did real nice good work! They had the most successful garage sale in Northern Illinois history. You can too! Just be overly-dramatic and cynical. Complain about crime to your Facebook friends and make snarky tweets when someone gets
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