Local News Outlets Are Finally Talking About Cheap Trick

07 Apr, 2015

Print this article Font size -16+

Rockford, IL – City wide news agencies and the Rockford tourism bureau have finally decided to support hometown rock band, Cheap Trick. The news is being celebrated by all local TV, radio and newspaper outlets on the Forest City’s internet.  We have collected some quotes by our favorite non-biased news personalities, including our own editors and the head of our tourism bureau:

Gio Tellotanni and Bryan Trees, stunned reporters for our Gatehouse News Media partner, told their Facebook fans at 7:32 a.m., “We can’t believe it.  This is great news!  We’ve been trying to cover Cheap Trick for 40 years, maybe help their career out locally with free press and a feature article or two.“

Phil Read, news reporter for FOX 39, says, “Do you know how hard it is on our station’s viewership to always have to report on local artists that aren’t Cheap Trick? No one gives a fuck about local bands and artists like La Historia and Ryley Walker who make noise in other cities.  Don’t get me wrong, my boss loves La Historia but he’s one in 150,000 people and that’s not good for keeping the interests of our worldly cultured local viewers. We need to cover Cheap Trick to save our local business and having to compete with the internet is hard enough.“

Joan Grohl, Director of Tourism and Mobile Housing in the Rockford Area, said “This is great news for our marketing initiatives. We can finally hire the guitarist from Cheap Trick to work with our local advertising and marketing agencies to promote all of the wonderful hideaways and entertainment events that our city has for anyone looking to spend a night here in-town at one of our mobile home hotels.  Beloit and Janesville has competition now!“

Chief Beale and Chief Vannigan, editors of rkfdnews.com, took a collective internet photo to represent their overall opinions about this Cheap Trick news story:

Chief Beale told us over coffee and potatoes, “Twitter and Facebook are internet places where average people go to feel important. We must pollute the grid with more photos of our foods to drown their feelings and opinions out.” Chief Vannigan likes to tell us everyday, “Today is another day to leave this place,” to remind us of our mortality and to fulfill our appetite for life elsewhere before locally produced obese pride kills us.

Me, you wonder? I don’t know how I feel about this Cheap Trick news yet.

Waking up today and hearing the great news on the internet, I thought to myself, “I think I might enjoy a foot long sandwich from Subway for lunch.”  However, the shifting of the morning sun has me leaning more towards a jumbo #6 beef and provolone at Jersey Mike’s with extra oregano, oil and vinegar.

What do you think? Will I know more after learning less later?  Maybe!

– Theodore Lepolli