Crime Prevention Carp Language Discovered

18 Mar, 2013

Print this article Font size -16+

Rockford, IL – Imagine two carp swimming in the Mighty Rock River. You hear a series of clicks, whistles and whines coming from each; much like a conversation in Dolphin language.  It seems one carp can call another carp specifically by mimicking the distinct whistle of that other carp.

It is fascinating and it is all happening right now in the Rock River, which cuts through the City Of Rockford, IL, separating amateur crime from professional crime.

“These whistles actually turned out to be criminals names. They’re abstract names, which is unheard of in the animal kingdom beyond people because fish are a class unto themselves,” said Randall Brown IVth, a local author behind a new study on Carps’ relations to Criminals behaviors and patterns.  “I hope my discovery will assist the RKFDP (Rockford Dream Police) contain crime before it occurs.  By listening to the carps talk to each other, we will be able to predict the next home invasions, violent drug deals, and pizza delivery thefts.”

In 1653 Izaak Walton wrote in The Compleat Angler, “The Carp is the queen of rivers; a stately, a good, and a very subtle fish; that was not at first bred, nor hath been long in England, but is now naturalized and advanced in Rockford of Illinois, in the United States of America.”

“Walton was my guide.  I often turned to his studies to discover the carps’ communication patterns right here in the Rock River Valley of Hopes, Dreams, Visions, and yes, Sounds.  Sounds of human and fish advancements crossing river currents right here in our lovely city!” Added Mr. Brown the IVth.

RKFDP chief of criminal communications, Sgt. Lino Valsuvison, hopes this recent discovery earns the support of the city’s money handlers.  “With the carps’ crime tips and additional funding from our city’s most intelligent economic planners and politicians, we can stop crime sooner.  We still need their money to station a few men out on the river to listen to the carps talk to each other.  This is a 24/7 operation that could save lives.  Thank you, Mr. Randall Brown the IIIIth.”

We’ll know less when you know more.

– Jay Vannigan