Channel 32 Fires Photographers & Videographers, Pays Part-Time Volunteers With Baseball Hats

13 Jun, 2013

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Rockford, IL – The head news guy at Channel 32, Hearty Martman, announced that the news station will be effectively firing all full time videographers and photographers this weekend and replacing them with part-time, iPhone equipped, people who like hats and Instagramming.

“The experience and know-how with years of dedication to the art and craft of photography that these men and women have practiced for–in some cases, dozens of years–it really is admirable,” said Martman before delivering the bad news.  “Unfortunately, that’s not what the viewing public cares about anymore,” added Martman.  “Rockford wants on the spot, as-it-happens, realtime videoblogging, livestreaming, cute pictures of locals walking downtown to shop for tshirts, books, candles before eating, and social media aggregation.  Citizen Mobile News Units are the news gatherers of the future–and boy oh boy, do they like free baseball hats.”

“What’s the point in paying a professional photographer to cover a chemical fire or a horrible Saab accident let alone oa sharp hammer maiming if they might arrive on the scene 10 minutes too late?  When in Rockford, there’s a pretty good chance that no matter what happens, someone that’s unemployed who likes baseball caps and volunteering their time and labor is likely close enough to do the work for the professionals now. We will have the mostest fastest, firstest newsiest team ever.  Take that, 31 Action Team!  You’ll always be one worse than us.”

– Ron Kites