Endangered Alligator Found Napping Near Whitman Street Bridge and Rock River

12 Oct, 2013

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The endangered Chinese alligator takes a nap alongside the Rock River near the Whitman Street bridge. It was disocvered by local homeless man, Lawrence Bottums, age 47, who woke up from a nap on an abandoned boat to go pee pee under the bridge.

Rockford, IL –  Lawrence Bottums, 47 and homeless, was taking a nice nap in an abandoned boat near the Whitman Street bridge when he had to go pee pee.   Bottums calls the bridge “my favorite place in town to leave the best parts of me behind after a full day of snacking and napping.”  The middle-aged homeless vet made his way to the underpass from his boat bed and saw the unimaginable– an alligator taking a nap and not just any old alligator.

Bottums emailed RKFDnews.com immediately to send a staff photographer down to the bike path near the Whitman Street bridge and that’s when we saw the incredible reptile napping.  Lawrence took off running north on the bike path immediately once officers of the Rockford Dream Police’s Reptile Services Department showed up to capture the endangered species.

Further research conducted by the mighty Rockford Dream Police’s forensic biology department discovered it was one of the very few endangered Chinese Alligators. In an amazing twist of plot that has Rockford helping the United States deal with it’s budget problems, the endangered Chinese alligator is being returned to China immediately in an international deal that knocks one trillion dollars off the debts we owe our new mother country, China.  (Sorry England, no monies for you until we discover your endangered species to barter another trillion with.)

We asked the chief of the Dream Police’s forensic biological department’s dispatch operator how that could be possible–an endangered alligator from China–and she said, “I have no idea, we’re shorthanded right now.  Call back next Thursday, ok?”

We asked, “Why Thursday?”, and she said, “If no one’s been shot or hurt please call back in a few days, ok? Capeesh? It’s break time, buh bye.“

You’ll learn more when we know less.™

– Ron Kites