FEMA Provides SOAP to Rockford

26 Jun, 2013

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Rockford, IL – The city-wide flooding that has occurred nowhere else in the world this week due to strange thunder storms signaling the possible end of times has provided FEMA a reason to finally help locals. They who have been suffering from financial and demographic damage for years can celebrate, the government is here to help.

“Rockford is getting a well-needed bath.  The entire city is cleaning itself up thanks to Mother Nature.  To assist the city-wide cause, FEMA is providing pallets of specialty soap cubes to help locals clean themselves from decades of corruption, nepotism, alcoholism, under-achieving, over-meeting and drinking the coffee, laziness, stupidity, obesity, self-entitlement, ego, pride, greed and insanity,” said FEMA’s acting Director of Midwestern Emergency Assistance, Jim Clinton.

No word yet on whether or not towels will be provided.

Local scumbags, Alderman Cletus Tontorelli and Mr. Don Anwah–the CEO of AIR RANGER GAS STATION–beg to differ with FEMA’s help.  “Me and my frands and famlee love things the way they are in the Rockford 815.  Likes I keeps on telling it to these educated girls and boys looking for jobs at my company, y’all don’t like my requirement?  Git da hail outta town with your smarty pants degree.  Speedboats or bust, y’all!”

RKFDNews.com won’t turn down the specialty soaps and would like to thank FEMA for acknowledging how dirty, pathetic, corrupt, nepotistic, drunk, high, lazy, contradictory, unintelligent, fat, self-entitled, inept, ego-driven, proud, greedy and insane our city is from businesses to government and all the way down to the bottom of the mudpile where we wait for our soaps.

Please use the soap and read a book.

– Chief Tchad Beale