Rockford Leaders Call Angelina Jolie For Help

10 Sep, 2013

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Angelina Jolie visits Rockford’s east side. Alderman Macnamarinara took Jolie on a tour of Rockford, IL’s village this summer. City leaders are now calling on her help.

Rockford, IL – Word from City Hall has the village of Rockford, IL celebrating great news tonight.  Local leaders including Mayor Barry Morrisson have told RKFDNews.com that they FaceTimed and Skype Chatted with Angelina Jolie’s humanitarian representatives today with regards to charity– and lots of it.

Mayor Morrisson told our staff writer, Lisa Soland, “We need help.  Our people can’t do it alone anymore. My city council, aldermen, have ran out of coffee grounds.  We need major help from Hollywood and quick.  We can’t conduct our board meetings without coffee and downtown businesses can’t survive without the beans.  Enter Angelina.  What a wonderful humanitarian and we feel as if Rockford could use her help ASAP.”

Thomas Derby Macnamarinara, the 16th ward alderman told us, “Angelina will be good for Rockford.  Our people promise to treat her like Jesus.  A Lady Jesus, ok?” 

Others aren’t so sure about the plan to bring the famous actress to Rockford to save the city.   Keith Geraldstone asked us, “Will I still be able to cross the Auburn Street Bridge or is she going to have a parade there?”  Good question, we don’t know but we asked hometown hero Rock Nelson from the rock band Cheap Truck if he knew the answer but all he gave us was another Rockford-area-riddle,“What’s the answer? One time in 1984 I ate a burrito with Vance Neil of Motley Crue.  We sang Angelina.  What was the question?”

When we learn more you’ll know less.™

– Theodore Lepolli