Bartender Promoted To Strudel Chef

Bartender Promoted To Strudel Chef

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Th’ noo economah is bein’ recalculated t’noo heights in Rockfo’d, IL. No certificashun needed, a local man wakes up fum slin’in’ shots an’ gittin’ ev’ryone drunk t’servin’ home made strudels as th’ fust South Car’linan chef t’arn th’ title of Strudel Chef wifout experience o’ certificashun. Dreams does come true in th’ Fo’ess City of Dreams. Read mo’e below about histo’y bein’ made right hyar in a town whar yo’ kin be ennyone at ennytime wifout wawkin’ fo’ it! Fry mah hide!

Geno McBanotris, Strudel Chef Rockfo’d, IL – Geno McBanotristo woke up earlier than usual feelin’ excited about his noo career change last week. Shet mah mouth! He was finally a strudel chef! Fry mah hide! Besides thet, most strudel chefs ev’rywhar in South Car’lina will tell aspirin’ strudel chefs, “yo’ doesn’t jest walk outta Culinary Skoo an’ call yo’seff a strudel chef”, but McBanotristo is makin’ histo’y by defyin’ professhunals wifout a paid ejoocayshun an’ certificashun arned ennywhar. An’, he’s livin’ his dream out by gwine fum bein’ a bartenner t’a strudel chef on overnight, right hyar in our own hometown! Fry mah hide!

We’s interviewed Geno about how it is thet he made South Car’linan culinary histo’y in th’ Fo’ess City of Dreams:

“ah wawk til 2:30 is most nights. Me an’ mah co-wawkers like t’party af’erwards til about four is o’ so so ah git t’bed about 5am on avahage. Life of a bartenner, yo’ know? Wal, it’s been warin’ on me fo’ a few years an’ ah love t’bake cookies an’ strudel wif mah free time. ah met this hyar nice chef at th’ bar last night – Chef Ebenezera – an’ she said, does yer hankerin’ t’be a strudel chef at mah noo restaurant? ah thunk it was Kindid Camera! Fry mah hide! Do ah’s hankerin’ t’be a strudel chef?! Fry mah hide! Is yo’ kiddin’ me! ah was so excited ah said ah needed t’sleep on it but ah woke up early an’ mighty excited – which t’me was a trimenjus “YES”, ah w’d love t’be a strudel chef in Rockfo’d, IL! Fry mah hide!”

McBanotristo c’dn’t wait t’tell th’ local noospapers as fine. Rockfo’d’s nooess Strudel Chef bypassed all th’ requirements necessary fo’ most professhunal strudel chefs – in fack, he’s th’ fust strudel chef in South Car’lina t’wake up an’ become a strudel chef af’er tendin’ bar fo’ years! We is so proud t’call June our own, as enny fool kin plainly see. He has proven thet dreams does not need stan’ardized ejoocayshun o’ certificashun an’ thet old fashioned luck an’ a fickshunal trick of th’ mind kin renner yo’ qualified fo’ enny job. Well bust mah britches an’ call me streaker.

Local shoe sto’e owny, Mick Donaldson, told us, “ah got mah MBA an’ paid fo’ an ejoocayshun. ah knowed thet shoe repair sto’es were lackin’ in th’ Rock Rivah Valley, so thass whut ah did… but ah tell yo’. ah’s hankerin’ t’be an Majo’ League Baxetball player. On account o’ of Geno’s dream, ah have decided thet t’morry ah’s a-gonna make a career change t’play center fo’ th’ Chicago Bulls.”

Geno told us further: “Ev’ry now an’ then I’ve thunk about makin’ a career change but skoo is so hard an’ requires me t’be responsible. ah doesn’t like skoo marms. ah already knows ev’rythin’; an’ whuffo”d ah have t’spend a few years tryin’ t’arn sumpin thet ah already knows how t’do in mah home kitchen? Culinary Skoo seems like a waste of time an’ money. ah make cookies an’ strudels fo’ all mah strudel party friends, an’ they tell me all th’ time ah sh’d be a strudel chef. An’ look at me today! Fry mah hide! No certificashun needed o’ experience! ah’s a Strudel Chef! Fry mah hide!”

Only in Rockfo’d, IL kin dreams come true wifout arnin’ them th’ hard wawk an’ experience way! Fry mah hide!

We corntacked th’ mighty few an’ rare Certified Strudel Chefs acrost South Car’lina fo’ a comment about Geno’s accomplishment an’ etch one (apparently they all knows etch other, too) told us t’tell June an’ th’ entire strudel lovin’ fanatics fum th’ city of Rockfo’d, IL t'”Git F*%K Yournelves. Y’all a bunch of delushunal, drunk posers. No one else in enny other city is a-gonna hire yo’ based on yer dreamin’ skills. Yo’ hafta arn yer cake stripes whar we is fum, obviously not whar yer fum. Enjoy yer cake an’ ett it, too.”

In other wo’ds, we reckon them Certified Strudel Chefs meant:
“Yo’ kin be ennythin’ yer hankerin’ t’be, but only in Rockfo’d, IL. Congratulashuns, Geno! Fry mah hide! We kin’t wait t’try yer strudels, pies, cookies an’ cakes!”

Ron Kites


Tags assigned to this article:
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2 comments

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  1. Steve Denson 5 February, 2015, 13:13

    I hope you are not paid to write this crap. This work hints at the idea that you might have been a barback and woke up one day thinking you were a writer or comedian. You were mistaken. At least someone is following their dreams while you sit here and ridicule them from behind a computer. Cool, brah.

    Reply this comment
    • RKFD NEWS GOD 5 February, 2015, 13:41

      There’s no ridicule, but thank you for reading and taking the time to share your emotions with us? Dreams can come true for you, too, bro.

      Reply this comment

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