Happy Fathers Day to Single Taxpayers Supporting Public School Children AND Single Dad Cries For Help

Happy Fathers Day to Single Taxpayers Supporting Public School Children AND Single Dad Cries For Help
Single Rockford area tax paying locals gather for breakfast on Fathers Day to celebrate raising other parents' local children.

Single Rockford area tax paying locals gather for breakfast on Fathers Day to celebrate raising other parents’ local children.

Rockford, IL – Local Taxpayers, about 3,000 out of the 150,000 Rockford area population, gathered today to celebrate Father’s Day.

“I want to thank the breeding parents and single parents of Rockford for allowing me to help put their child through school.  I don’t have children and giving my money to a system that transparently spends my money like RPS205 does for so many children that are born of intelligent locals is a blessing.  Thank you, Rockford. Happy Fathers Day to us, too!” said Chas Rivets, a single 35 year old mechanic with no kids.  The crowd of 3,000 plus single, childless, locals gathered in downtown at Davis Park for a breakfast today.

Not everyone there was a single man.

Linda Perlstein and her single, childless friends showed up for the food and the opportunitiy to meet a potential Father.

“Me and my ladies ain’t here for the slim pickens. This bacon sho do taste good but hot damn they be some fine men to take home, make the bacon.  Know what I’m sayin?” We do, Linda.  “Now it may seem ironic–that how y’all says it–to be here celebrating being childless and all, but I am so grateful that my girlfriends and I can help raise Rockford’s children for those who have less money. Here, take mine, spell, run, sit, roll over.”

Linda Perlstein and her single, childless friends are on the prowl for baby making male tax payers without children already at Davis Park on Fathers Day.

We axed Ms. Perlstein and her friends if they had any intentions to breed a child of their own with a man they could meet and maybe marry at the celebration downtown. The answer was a universal, “Hell no.  State gonna give us more money to dos it alone. Aint nobodies needs a man to git mo monies. What choo think, boy?”  Linda and her lady friends waved their hands in the air like they just don’t care (see photo, right).

Some single fathers wrote our staff to reach out to all of you for help because not everyone is feeling the Fathers Day joy around the Rockford region. Roy Syverson, single father of one, contacted us with urgent demands:

“Someone help me.  I accidently got my girlfriend of three weeks pregnant about six years ago.  I met Jen at Hooters on Perryville and I thought she was the one right away. I swear to God I used a condom but who knows at this point.  Once my son Sean left her womb she disappeared from Rockford Memorial Hospital within 24 hours.  I last heard she headed out to L.A. with her new boyfriend, Larry, that I discovered she was dating 4 months into her pregnancy.  She loves that band Incubus. I heard she was a groupie of theirs for a few months, too.  My parents have been helping as much as they can but my dad is 67 and lost his job for the second time in ten years.  My mom is a great cook and grandmother.  My mortgage is four months late because of bills I’ve had to pay to cover the winter’s debts and put extra food in the kitchen for Sean and I.  I have no money and my job at the garage is on the line.  I need help.  Sean can read, write, sit, listen and not talk back.  I’ve never asked for help from the taxpayers but I need it.   Please help me. I am a single, responsible Father (and I know many like me in this pathetic piece of shit city) that needs your help.  Please help. My name is Roy and I will wait for your monies and progressive laws to help me, too.  I am not a woman looking to live off the system like many in Rockford do.  I am a man who likes baseball with my son. I promise not to buy candy with the Link card to feed him dinner like I see everyweek at Stop-N-Go and WalMart.  I swear on my life I will buy more vegetables, meats, soups, breads to feed him like the peasants of Rockford we are.”

There ya have it–the awful truth.

RKFD NEWS is proud to yell out for all the single, responsible hard-working fathers who need their noose broken today. 

When we know less, you’ll know more.

– Chief Tchad Beale

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