Morrissey: Rockford Officially Transformed

14 Apr, 2014

Print this article Font size -16+

ROCKFORD, IL – With the City Council’s vote to approve a partnership with Gorman & Co. to renovate the Ziock Building in downtown Rockford and the announcement of Amtrak service between Rockford and Chicago starting in 2015, Mayor Larry Morrissey and his Coalition Of The Willing To Transform Rockford declared major transformative operations in Rockford complete.

“Mission accomplished,“ shouted Mayor Morrissey from the deck of the USS Adam Kinzinger, moored in the Rock River near the Morgan Street bridge.  “My allies and I have prevailed against negativity and meanies and civic-minded bullies.  Hashtag positivity and hashtag transform have won the day.“

“Operation Transform Rockford was carried out with a combination of precision and speed and boldness the enemy did not expect and the world had not seen before.  Months of criticism and jokes could not make the people of Rockford love their oppressors or desire their own enslavement.  By seeking to turn our city streets into snarking fields, the thought terrorists and their allies believed that they could destroy Rockford’s resolve and force our retreat to the east side.”

“They have failed,” concluded Mayor Morrissey.

The crowd erupted in enraptured cheers as Mayor Morrissey then stepped out from behind the podium and violently crossed his arms against his thrusting pelvis, a gesture made popular by professional wrestling stable D-Generation X.

“[Alderwoman Linda] McNeely and all my haters can suck it, and that’s the bottom line, because Stone L-Mo said so,” shouted Morrissey. 

The mayor then kicked over the podium and charged to the side of the air deck, jumping headlong into the Rock River.  He was later seen in soaking-wet clothes shotgunning beers with patrons of Mary’s Place, Rockford’s oldest bar.

– Chuck Toncha