Bird Flu Season is upon us.

14 Apr, 2013

Print this article Font size -16+

holding a duck close to the face is on old way to fight bird flu

ROCKFORD, IL – A girl of five is being treated in a Rochellian hospital in the first case of H767334N96453332 “bird flu” reported by Midwest Official Flu & Virus Unit #98.

The child, whose parents are poultry traders by day and “ranch dancers” by night, developed a fever, sore throat, sore toes, swollen neck muscles, sweaty palms and headache on Thursday. Her condition is said to be stable.

Two people who came in close contact with her were quarantined and beaten, but have shown no symptoms so far–except for the sweaty palms.

The United States Bird Flu Unit had recorded 34 cases as of Wednesday.

There are no reported cases outside the Winnebago/Wisconsin border according to the World Health Organization Restoration Emergency Squadron (WHORES).

Rockford’s national disease control centre confirmed on Saturday that the five year old drunk girl in Rochelle had been confirmed with the H767334N96453332 virus.

The first cases of the virus were reported in February in eastern Byron.  According to  WHORES, there is no evidence that the H767334N96453332  virus is being transmitted between people, but that most cases are leading experts to unbathed poultry. The authorities in Rockford–where four deaths were recorded–have decided to shoot all live birds in the city.

“People are worried,” Norman Berferham, an elderly Rockford resident, told RKFD news agency.

“Rockfordians eat a lot of  riverduck and Bald Eagles. Now we can’t touch them.”

Another resident, Sharon Linxia, said she would no longer be shooting wild birds and eating them. but instead using large supermarkets. “I just ate delicious chipotle bald eagle jerky but I cannot afford some bird flu,” said Linxia.

Bye, bye, story over.

– Jay Vannigan