Cheddar Addiction Proves Delicious

Cheddar Addiction Proves Delicious

Chad Muckgrunt, seen here abusing a cheddar block, will be forcibly removed from his basement on Sunday Night during the areas first “Cheddarvention.”

Rockford, IL – Chad Muckgrunt, 27, a Wisconsin native, always considered himself a connoisseur of fine cheese in all it’s forms. He admired the texture of mozzarella, the complexity of havarti, and the punch of monterey jack; but, one day he realized he had a problem.

“I just decided to give up on life and eat straight from the block,” Chad said as he wiped his chin. “There’s really nothing else holding me back. I have brains, I have the good looks, but now I have a deep unhealthy obsession with cheddar. I chase the cheddar dragon every night, I can’t control myself. I don’t even bother changing my pants anymore. What’s the point? I don’t even need this wheel chair, I just refuse to put my body through the hassle of walking.”

Chad’s family has rallied around him in a huge circle trying to get him to seek help, but to no avail. The cheddar has a grip on him and his addiction must be fed, night after night. This has put a large burden on his obese family and fat ass friends.

“I once caught him trying to sell my bras and underwear to his friend Ralph for a hit of cheddar,” Chad’s sister, Winfred, said. “I am a triple G cup and Ralph has never seen a naked woman before so I am sure he got a couple blocks of cheddar for them. I got the bras back a few weeks later, but I had to sext Ralph in return. I sent him a picture of my mother, he never figured it out. Dumb ass cracker.”

We here at RKFD News take the obesity epidemic very seriously. Rockford is the 4th fattest city in the United States, with an obesity rate of 35.5%. So, to help curb this disturbing trend, we would like to start with a Cheddarvention and get Chad on his way to being socially acceptable, or at least able to tie his own shoes. The Cheddarvention will occur this Sunday night during the Packers / Texans Sunday Night Football game. Chad will be in his basement, shirtless, wearing his cheese head and taking hits from various blocks of cheddar. Our plan is to bring him to the ground and tie him to a post, remove the chunks of cheddar from underneath his armpits, and airlift him to a detox center.

If you would like to take part in forcibly removing a cheddar addicted stranger from his residence, especially a Wisconsin native who’s padding the obesity statistic in Illinois at this point in history, please contact [email protected]

Tags assigned to this article:

Related Articles

TEDx Event Will Inspire Locals To Continue Telling Stories To Each Other

Rockford, IL -TEDx – the popular online community site that inspires professional people (and lazy web surfers needing to get their day going if coffee doesn’t) to think with other peoples ideas – is coming to town! The TEDxRockford’s PR statement says, “the goal of TEDxRockford is to tell stories around the model’s four main themes: 21st Century Brainpower, Innovation and Entrepreneurship, Quality Connected Places, and Branding with New Narratives.” We thought locals were trying to do that for decades, but now we know that TED is listening to us!

Rockford Shows Up To Eat Beef; Locals Still Can’t Find Reasons to Vote

Rockford, IL – To those of you who have been contemplating about stopping by the new Portillo’s on East State

Rockford Named Jizz City, USA

Rockford, IL –  America’s contributions to world culture includes jazz, baseball (debatable), soda pop, Levis, the Simpsons, Baywatch, commercialized evangelism,

No comments

Write a comment
No Comments Yet! You can be first to comment this post!

Write a Comment

Thank you for spending time with us on the internet. Please waste more time and energy by sharing your internet emotions below:

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.